Dr. John Townsend

Dr. John Townsend and his team offer executive coaching, corporate consulting, and leadership training in a variety or programs. Join us today!

Leadership

Listening Well

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Successful people generally share several key traits. One of those is being a good listener.

But, how do you become a good listener? It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no magic switch.

Start by taking the initiative to enter the point of view of those around you. That is the essence of good listening and a form of empathy. It’s just a basic human need, like air or water. It is the art of understanding how others experience reality.

You have to get out of your opinion and into theirs, at least temporarily. This is hard work for anyone because you have to wear both hats. These tips will help you be a great listener:

  • Ask someone how they’re doing. Don’t wait for them to come up and tell you what’s going on.
  • Ask open-ended questions. For example, “How’s it going?” is better than, “things are good, right?”
  • Ask a few times. Ask follow-up questions. That conveys you really want to hear their experience and they are much more likely to tell you what’s really going on.
  • When you get the info, find how they feel before providing a solution. Instead of, “OK, try this solution”, say, “That must be frustrating” or “I’d be overwhelmed myself” or “That would bug me too.” You have just entered a place inside their heads where few people go and you have now become a significant person for them.
  • Don’t worry that listening means agreement. Many people hesitate in listening because they are concerned the person will think, “Great, you agree with me.” If that is true, you need to deal with that person’s attitude of entitlement. But most of the time, people don’t assume that. You can say “That’s a tough situation” and later in the same conversation say, “I think you dropped the ball” and both are true.
  • Don’t give advice until you know they need it. My experience is that, over half the time, if you listen well and support, people are smart enough to solve their own challenges, and your “being there” was all they needed.

Let TownsendNOW help open your eyes and ears.

 

Calendar as Servant, Not Master

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Most of us wake up in the morning, the first thing we look at is today’s calendar, either on our phone, or monitor, or the one hanging on the refrigerator door. The calendar orients us and gives us an idea of what time we are going to do whatever. It is a structure to make the day make sense.

Calendars exist to serve us. They are intended to help us get life done in a meaningful and orderly way. But too often, the calendar becomes the master and not the servant. I have too often looked at my week’s calendar and thought, “Why in the world did I agree to that meeting? What was I thinking?” Well, what I was thinking at the time was, “Sure, that sounds fine, I’ve got some space there”, forgetting this principle: space doesn’t mean free space. Just because there is some time on a calendar doesn’t mean a low-priority meeting must go there. Nature abhors a vacuum, however, and we fill that space up with nonessentials.

Here is a tip to help this, which has helped me and lots of people I work with. It’s actually pretty simple: Create dedicated “Energy” times in every day of your work calendar. Energy times are those spaces in the day in which you need to have some wiggle room between meetings and phone calls, to do the things we never schedule but can make a huge difference in your attitude and productivity: catch up on a few (not all) emails, take a walk, grab power nap, talk to a friend about the weekend, reflect on how your day is going. It may be 15 minutes and it may be 60, depending. But our minds need a bit of “me” time that is dedicated to recharging. You will find yourself renewed and ready to tackle the next challenge.

Don’t get caught in the thinking of “I’ll power through all day, except lunch, and then kick back tonight.” It doesn’t work that way. We tend to be way too exhausted with this approach, and the kick back ends up being sitting passively on our butts watching TV or playing video games or doing Facebook, basically in recovery mode. Instead, put the Energy times directly into your calendar so that nothing but a true emergency can break into it, and your evening will be more fun and active when you get home.

Keep your calendar your servant. Protect yourself and your energy by scheduling the time that recharges you.

The 3 Right Attitudes for Success

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Research has shown us that a major factor of what really drives our success, and pushes us through tough problems, is our attitude.   The right attitude, at the right time, can make all the difference in the world.

Have you ever known someone who had all the advantages: opportunity, resources, intelligence and supportive people, but who somehow managed to lose in a big way, or just never went scale? Conversely, I have also known many people who had very little, and who encountered massive obstacles, and still came out on top. The difference is usually attitude.

Simply put, an attitude is a perspective, or a “spin” on yourself, others, or your circumstances. It is the lens you use to view your world.

The attitudes that I have found in some of the most uber-successful people I work with are below, along with skills you can apply today to develop them.

I belong | 

This is the attitude that “I am not alone.” The attitude of belonging means that you always feel there are a few people in your life who you can turn to when you are overwhelmed, buried and stressed out, who will always have your back. People who have an attitude of belonging always know that no matter what goes down, they are not isolated, and someone has their back.

Skill | Find 3-4 people of character, whom you trust and become vulnerable with them. Bring them into how overwhelmed and stressed out you have been. You will be amazed at the focus and positivity that emerges from this.

I have power | 

The attitude that “I am not helpless, and I can do something about my situation.” Successful people always look for a choice and they don’t give in to what the research calls learned helplessness, which is a feeling that no matter what you do, you will lose, so why not give up? Instead, they think, “I may have financial, strategic or cultural problems, but I also have enough power to make one great choice to change things here.”

Skill | Brainstorm with a trusted friend the toughest situation you are currently facing. Literally get in front of a whiteboard and write down 10 choices you can make (they may be difficult, but it’s movement). Then pick the one that will get you the most traction on the problem and execute it. That is acting on power. Note, this is not power over another. It is power over your life.

I’m OK even when I’m not OK |

 A little bit of a word play, but this is the attitude that failure, even repeated failure, won’t get you down. You will resist the judge in your head who calls you a loser and disappointment and instead remember that every time you fail, you commit to learning something valuable. So failure (doing something not OK) doesn’t mean you’re not OK (a total loser).

Skill | Tell someone you trust the 3 toughest bad choices you’ve ever made (I’m serious about the “someone you trust”, there are lots of people who can’t handle who you really are, or would judge you, so pick carefully). Don’t minimize it or blame others, just say the raw reality. Then ask them what they think of you. The right person will say something like, “Yes, you’ve made some major mistakes. And I’m OK with you and I want to help you grow in life.”   Success comes from knowing that we don’t have to pretend that we are someone we are not. And it comes from hearing that we are acceptable and connected even when we don’t feel so acceptable.

Attitudes can be everything. Just work on one of these this week. You’ve noticed that each skill involves another person to support you. If you don’t have someone, or someones, like that, read my book “How to Be a Best Friend Forever”, which will outline how to have those sorts of relationships.

Best to your leadership!

 

 

Key People Skills Essential for a Leader

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Neuroscience and performance research always comes down to two groups of skill sets that are necessary for a leader to succeed.

The first group is task skills. These are the “doing” aspects of running the organization, involving primarily guarding the mission, messaging the vision, setting the strategy, creating the structure, systems and operations, and ensuring execution. Every leader must know and monitor these.

The second group is people skills. These are the “relating” aspects, which center on creating inspiration, trust, healthy culture, challenge and team development. These skills are sometimes called the soft skills, but they actually are not. They are replicatable, research-based and metrically-proven skills that are just as critical as the task skills.

In my experience, most leaders are somewhere between 60-40 to 90-10, task over relationship. Their training has lent itself to strategy, metrics and accountability. But as the research continues to come out, it is increasingly important for the leader to learn several specific people abilities which drive everything. Here are the top 3:

Listening well. While leaders must clarify roles and expectations, they must also “read between the lines.” All too often, we let our people talk, but in our minds, we are formulating our response to them before they are finished. I often have my clients paraphrase what others are saying, asking, “Do I get your point of view now?”, before they respond.

Being professionally vulnerable. Leaders have been taught to be bulletproof, and not show weakness, for fear of discouraging their people. However, we are finding that people are actually drawn more to a boss who is open about their weaknesses and failures, and lets them know that they are working on improving.

Being direct and yet connected. Great leaders get right to the point when they have to say a hard truth to a direct. But they do not disconnect from their warmth and their care for their people. This is called integration, the ability to be honest and yet emotionally present. It is more difficult than you think. Learn to keep your eye contact and your connectedness, even during the tough talks.

Strategy and people skills integrate for the best performance. Best to your leadership.

 

Leadership and Relationships: The Two-Way Street

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I was talking with a CEO of a company and finding out how he was doing in his business and his life. I asked him, “How are things going in your personal relationships? Do you think you have enough good quality connections?”

“Sure I do”, he answered. “I’ve got some really great friendships.”

I said, “That’s great. Now, how many of those friends would you say are acquainted with your personal needs, dependencies and weaknesses?”

He was a thoughtful person, and after a pause, said, “Well, actually probably none. I mean, I enjoy spending time with them, and also helping support them in their lives. But that personal stuff is a little hard for me.”

I said, “Then this is probably a good growth point for your own work and life. You need some two-way relationships, that is, people who open up to you, and people to whom you open up.”

The conversation went on, but the man understood where we were going, and got the message. He went to work on his two-way relationships, and I think prevented a lot of train wrecks in his life and career.

Leaders are a special group of people, and many leaders share a common weakness: they tend to be better givers than receivers. That is, the role of leadership often has the power to skew you toward being too focused on providing support, help, encouragement and grace to others, while neglecting your own needs and life.

There is certainly a lot that is good about being a giving person. It is the model of God as giver of Life; and the second greatest command is to love others as ourselves (Matt. 22:39). But at the same time, we can’t give to others what we don’t possess. You can’t provide from an empty cup: “…what do you have that God hasn’t given you?…(I Cor. 4:7, NLT).”

Just as those people you care about in work, family in life, you also need the ingredients of help that you provide for them. Here are a few to look at, and ask yourself, am I requesting, and receiving these, as well as providing them?

  • Grace: someone being “for” you, and on your side
  • Love: someone you can go to when you’re feeling down, lonely or isolated
  • Acceptance: someone knowing your faults and weaknesses and cares about you anyway
  • Safety: someone who won’t judge or condemn you, but will understand your failings and walk alongside you
  • Comfort: someone who will pick you up when you are discouraged
  • Truth: someone who will give you feedback and guidance when you need it.

This is often a little tough for leaders to go out and develop. You might wonder if you’ll be seen in a negative light by others, or if somehow needing these elements will disqualify you from leadership. You may even think leaders need to be strong all the time.

Check these perceptions out with a healthy, growing leader whom you respect and admire. My money will be on the probability that they will tell you, “It’s just the opposite. A large part of my success is due to my having people in my life that I open up to. It gives me strength, acceptance, motivation and direction.”

So look around in your life and start adding another direction to those one-way, all-giving relationships in your life and work! God bless

How Counselors Work with the Townsend Leadership Program (TLP)

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If you are interested in increasing your practice and revenues by using your counseling skills, think about applying to become a Townsend Leadership Program (TLP) Director.   We have found that counselors who become Directors experience excellent results because of their training in attunement, healing and diagnostics. Leaders especially need a confidential place to grow in their personal and professional lives. Here’s a little information about the program:

The model is a group-based leadership training experience, in which a Director takes their team of leaders, from all sorts of industries, through a monthly intensive day, for a year at a time. We will train you in the agenda for those days, including:

  • Helping them set stretch goals for the year
  • Engaging with John’s monthly video content regarding leadership growth
  • Facilitating team process groups where they can be vulnerable and experience growth at a deep level
  • Having work sessions where they use the team to solve organizational challenges
  • Assigning meaningful homework to them to keep the growth going
  • Providing monthly individual coaching sessions for them between team days.

In addition, a huge growth opportunity awaits the professionally trained clinician and a credentialed TLP Director. As outlined below, the benefits include:

  • Personal training by John and Elaine Morris, John’s business partner
  • Monthly videoconference calls with John and other directors
  • John’s proprietary content and marketing materials provided
  • Being part of a national community of TLP Directors with vast knowledge and varied backgrounds and experiences
  • Opportunity for corporate coaching, training, and consulting with your TLP members

So connect with us and find out how your impact as a counselor can grow!