healthy relationships

Having Difficult but Effective Conversations

January 19, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is simply no way to get through life successfully and sanely, without having to sit down with someone to have “the talk.” Whether it’s your spouse, a family member, someone you’re dating, a friend or a work colleague, things just come up that rub us the wrong way, or are actually crises, that must be addressed and resolved. However, we aren’t born with the ability to have a difficult conversation that actually is effective. It’s a learned skill. So here are some steps to get you where you want to go.

The goal of any difficult conversation is to solve a problem while maintaining alignment. In other words, to speak truth about an issue without alienating the person. There is certainly a small percentage of humans that can’t tolerate any confrontation, and you can’t control their reactions. But the great majority of people are ok with hashing out problems. Here are the skills, in order of when to do them.

Convey that you are “for” them: Start by letting the person know that, while this is an important conversation, that you want their best. You don’t want to win over them or punish them, you want to solve a problem.
State the problem: Clearly and in a few words, state what the problem is, so that it’s understandable. If needed use a few examples, with dates and times, to jog their memory and understand what you’re trying to say.
Own your part: Take responsibility for however you have contributed to the issue. It may be 90% or it may be 10%, but the great odds are that you aren’t 100% perfect in this dance. Not only is it the right thing to do, it keeps the person from feeling like you think you’re a perfect parent, pointing your finger at an immature child. If you fail to own your part, you will not take the conversation anywhere near a positive direction.
Hear them out/deal with diversion: Everyone needs their day in court, so ask them what their side of it is. There may be info that you need to know, to flesh out how you see the problem. But don’t let the person hijack the conversation with endless diversions to other topics to keep themselves away from responsibility. Warmly, but directly, bring the topic back to the issue you began with.
Ask for specific change: People need practical suggestions, not high-concept ones. “I need for you to ask me how I’m doing around half the time we get together, that feels more mutual” is a lot better than “Get your act together.”
Consequences if necessary: Sometimes a good conversation is all that’s needed. But sometimes, after a few failed conversations, boundaries are needed.
End with “for”: These talks can make the person feel that you don’t care about them. Just reassure them, at the end, that you truly want the best for them and for the relationship.
Check in later: After 2-24 hours, reach out to them again and ask how they’re doing with the talk. Sometimes, they will feel hurt or misunderstood. Spend a bit of time clarifying that you really care and want things to work out.

These steps work. If you want more information, check out my book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation That You’ve Been Avoiding. Remember, it’s just a set of skills that you can learn.

Best,

John

Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

November 21, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small: I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk. A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself. I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern. You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Transparency: John Townsend, Ph.D.

September 30, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Transparency, whether it’s personal or in an organization, is a key part of how relationships, groups and organizations thrive and succeed. A relationship that is transparent inspires trust, care, motivation and the ability to succeed and solve challenges together. A relationship that is limited in transparency tends to discourage, isolate and de-motivate people.

Transparency is a combination of three aspects: openness, messaging and ownership. When these are in place, health enters the system and good things happen. Here is how it works:

Openness. Openness means keeping needed information in the light, as opposed to hiding it in darkness. The Enron scandal is an example of a lack of openness, with devastating results. On a personal level, openness may mean bringing a mistake you made, to people who are important to you. When you are open, you think about who deserves to have information at some appropriate level. It could be information about finances, performance problems or some personal situation, depending on what is warranted. Openness is also usually about negative realities. It’s easy to be open about the touchdowns, but it takes character and courage to be open about the failures. But think more about the well-being of those who need the info, than you do about your own comfort and convenience. That mentality will be a game-changer for you.

Messaging. This means taking initiative and intentionality to get the information to the right people. It is not their job to search out the facts, that is not transparency. You don’t cache it in a hard drive, or on the last tab on your website. You deliver what is needed to those who matter. Meet with them. Call them up. Email them. Text them. But take the initiative to message. This builds trust, and repairs distrust.

Ownership. Transparency does not end with bringing the appropriate reality to the appropriate people. It also requires a commitment, a commitment to act on the facts and do the right thing. If the situation involves something that requires you to improve matters, take a healthy step. If you need to authentically apologize, do it. Ownership is the opposite of blame-shifting. It is blame-taking. Whatever the realities are, take ownership of your part, and execute your best next behavior. In a world of disconnects between saying and doing, be willing to do something to make things better. You may not be responsible for the entire problem, but you can help in improving matters in your own space.

Transparency is rarely enjoyable. But in the long run, it always pays off exponentially. Be that person, for those who matter to you, for your organization, and for yourself.

Best,

John

People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other

August 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

Quadrant 1: Be Present
To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action
At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

Best,

John

People Fuel: Fill Up Your Tank for Life, Love and Leadership

July 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

We all need more energy, the vitality that helps us stay motivated, focused and productive in life. We know we receive energy from good nutrition, along with working out, adequate sleep and maintaining positivity. But there is another major source for the energy we need: having the right kinds of relationships with others. Not the ones that drain us, but the
ones that refuel us.

My just-released book People Fuel shows you how we need the fuel of “Relational Nutrients” from others, and, in turn we can then provide them to others. Our bodies require physical nutrients to stay healthy. If we don’t take enough iron, we can develop anemia. Too little calcium can lead to bone disease. In the same way, the book identifies the key Relational Nutrients that we need. As we experience these critical elements from others, we grow mentally and emotionally more sharp and healthy. And as we give these elements back, others benefit as well.

Finally, People Fuel details the specific types of people who can either be energy “gains” or energy “drains”, and gives concrete steps to help you cultivate relationships with those who will help you be all you were meant to be. On the first day of its release on June 25, the book was a double #1 on Amazon, in the categories of Christian Business and Professional Growth, and also in Christian Self Help.

Also, you can have a free download of the Relational Nutrients card, either digitally for your smartphone, or for printing out a hard copy. Just go to relationalnutrients.com. I hope you find steps and solutions for your own energy through People Fuel!

Best, John