Dr. John Townsend

Month: November 2018

  • Handling Anxiety When You Actually Don’t Want to Admit It!

    Handling Anxiety When You Actually Don’t Want to Admit It!

    OK, so we know from the research and statistics that all humans get scared and anxious sometimes.  100% of us.  It’s a fact.  Fear is just part of life (except for those who are in toxic massive denial, which is a recipe for life misery).  Lots of us would rather pretend we are secure, confident and have it together.  But at a deep level, we know that we do feel insecure and scared at times.  So what do we do when we know we feel this, but we don’t want to know we feel this?  Here are some solutions and tips for this:

    Understand the disconnect.  

    There is a disconnect, or what are called incompatible realities.    In the psychological world, we call this a “fear of the fear.”  We are afraid of being afraid.  But unfortunately, our brains crave reality.  Reality, whether it is positive or negative, is good for our minds.  So when we act like we are OK when we are scared, our brains go into overload:  How do I function and make decisions, when a lot of my energy and bandwidth is being used to pretend I’m not anxious, when I actually am?  That costs us a lot, and isn’t good for us.

    Get to the “why.” 

    There is a reason you aren’t comfortable admitting you have anxiety in a situation.  It can be about relationships, work, mistakes, challenges, your past or a number of things.  But your “fear of fear” didn’t arrive in your head in a vacuum.  Here are a few common “why’s”:

    • Shame:  When we feel that our behavior or feelings will cause us to be embarrassed, or that people might think less of us, we are vulnerable to the fear of the fear and we hide it all.
    • Control:  Fear and anxiety are, at their core, about not feeling in control.  It might be that you have a relationship you can’t fix, or a job situation that’s out of your hands, or a health issue with no known solution.
    • Isolation:  We are more afraid when we are alone.  Humans are social beings.  We feel safer in a tribe of a few good people, and more afraid and vulnerable when we are without that.

    Take action. 

    Not doing anything will just increase the fear of the fear.  But if you take a risk with a safe person and tell them that you are anxious about something, their warmth and compassion will reduce a large percentage of the feeling, and you will feel relief.  Another great action step is to simply admit to yourself, and write down in a journal, that you had an anxious day.  This is called normalization, and you won’t feel so strange.  And finally, pick a few good friends who are comfortable saying when they become fearful and ask them how they do it.  Healthy people aren’t afraid of being afraid.

    It’s OK to say when you’re anxious.  In fact, it’s just healthy.

    John Townsend, Ph.D.

  • Making the Right Decisions as a Leader

    Making the Right Decisions as a Leader

    If you lead at work, in the home, or both, you have to make decisions.  Leaders who don’t make decisions don’t stay leaders very long.  However, decisions, by definition, involve risk.  It might be a risk of losing financial resources, time, energy, opportunity or key people.  This is one reason that leadership is so difficult:  there is no crystal ball.  So here are some tips to help you make the decisions you are required to make, and to make them well.

    Do a SWOT analysis on the situation. 

    Actually writing down the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats of your situation helps a great deal.  This exercise provides two significant benefits.  It provides a great deal of structured information that will help you to think through the pros and cons.  Secondly, and just as importantly, it will center you and decrease any anxiety you might feel.  Anxiety can confuse your decision making; and the less anxiety the better.

    Determine why this is important to your organization. 

    Leaders must always use the lens of “what is best for my organization?”    Is it about cash issues?  Products and services?  Marketing?  Leadership?  Culture?  It’s your job to focus on what you are trying to achieve for your company and your people.  This will help you think clearly.

    Bring your team in. 

    Whoever is the right person for the decision, be humble and smart enough to get their advice.  You want to make sure you are doing the due diligence with people who know you, your company and your values, and people who have a track record of success in their own right.  They are likely to see some angle you never even thought of.

    Think, “there is a solution.” 

    There is always some solution, unless you literally have a gun to your head.  This sort of positive approach is not being in denial.  It is a sober realization that you are competent, capable, and have information and good people behind you.  This is realistic positivity, and it will help.

    Use the 24 hour rule. 

    Sleep on it.  Unless it’s a five alarm emergency, it helps to give a problem a 24 hour break.  I’m talking as a psychologist now.  Neuroscience research has shown that the brain never stops working, even when you sleep.  It likes to solve problems.  Think of your brain as a really smart Labrador retriever with lots of energy, bounding around from challenge to challenge, enjoying the process of tackling issues.  So while you are having dinner, or being with friends, or sleeping, your mind is looking at all sorts of possibilities.  I have been totally blown away by what I come up with after I sleep on an issue.

    Decisions change organizations.  Good luck and lead well.

    John Townsend, Ph.D.

  • Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

    Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

    There are three kinds of people in the world: 

    (1) those who have fear and anxiety and admit it;

    (2) those who have fear and anxiety and don’t admit it

    (3) those who truly don’t have fear and anxiety, but cause it in others! 

    And often, a (1) and a (2) will end up marrying a (3), but that’s another blog for another day.

    So this blog is for the (1)’s.   If you do struggle with anxiety and are courageous enough to admit it, you know how difficult it can be.  Fearful thoughts popping in your head in the middle of the night, difficulty making decisions, second-guessing yourself, and then severe issues such as anxiety disorders and panic disorders can make life miserable.  Here are some practical tips to help lessen and even resolve fear and anxiety.

    Set the bar at “manageable anxiety” and not “zero anxiety.” 

    A life with zero fear and anxiety is not a healthy life.  Would you want to be married to someone who doesn’t care enough about you to worry about your relationship, your health and how your job is going?  Sometimes anxiety just means that you care about yourself or someone else.

    See the value in some anxiety. 

    You need your anxiety.  When you wake up on the morning of the first of the month, you need to be concerned that you pay your rent or mortgage.  Your anxiety keeps you from saying, “I had a long day yesterday, I’ll call in sick and go to a matinee.”  Fear can be your friend, at decent levels.

    Get to the “why.” 

    Instead of trying to stop feeling anxious, move toward the feeling and not away from it.   Ask yourself why you are feeling it at this particular time.  Often, when you understand the root, you are halfway to getting it resolved.  For example, you are anxious about keeping your job because your boss told you that your performance was lacking.  However, if it’s a long-term job and you have a good history, and your boss said nothing more than that, that anxiety is probably irrational.  So why would you have that fear?  For many people, it’s because they aren’t able to feel secure about their talents, their competencies and their value in the workplace.  So when there is a glitch like a negative performance review, they forget who they are and what they can do.  If that is the “why”, you will feel some relief almost immediately.

    Never, never, never suck it up and isolate.  Fear is like a cyst.   It metastasizes in the darkness, and it shrinks in the laser beam.  Use the laser beam of the right people in your life to tell them your fears.  Let them be “People Fuel” for you, and that will calm you down.

    Manageable fear doesn’t get in the way of a great life.  Keep the balance.

    John Townsend, Ph.D.

  • Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

    Strategies for Curing Entitled Attitudes

    We see the word entitlement all over the media these days.  It has to do with a combination of two attitudes: 

    (1) I need to be treated as special, and

    (2) I am not responsible for the impact of my behavior on anyone. 

    And it comes out as selfishness, narcissism and a lack of empathy for others.

    We tend to see celebrities, politicians and pro athletes in this light, but entitlement is something the entire human race deals with.  It can damage a marriage, a dating relationship, a family, an organization or a church.  So here are some action steps that can change things, either in yourself or someone in your life.  These helps are from the just-released softcover edition of my book The Entitlement Cure.

    Take a meaningful risk every week. 

    Though they don’t show it, entitled people are terribly afraid of trying new things.  Underneath the attitude, they tend to have lots of vulnerability to shame and don’t want to be seen by others, or by themselves, as having flaws and screwups.  So if the person you are concerned about is a 15-year old, have him do a new sport, try out for a part in a school play, or run for office.  Support him but hold him accountable.  Whether he succeeds or fails, he will become healthier, more confident and less entitled.

    Keep inconvenient commitments. 

    When we blow off appointments and work deadlines because they don’t feel fun, we are showing a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings and situations of others.  You are not being rigid to hold yourself and others accountable to do hard things that have been committed.  It builds trust in others and decreases our natural self-absorption.

    Say “I don’t know.” 

    Entitlement insists that the person be seen as having all the answers.  What a boring lunch to be with someone who pontificates about all of his opinions and solutions!  Just be real and humble and when you don’t know how to build a spaceship to Mars, say, “Musk may know how to do that, but I don’t know, let me research that.”  People are drawn to humility and curiosity.  They are turned off by lectures and uber-advice.

    You’ll see changes quickly with these tips.  They work.  Be an Entitlement-Buster!

    John Townsend, Ph.D.