Dr. John Townsend

Tag: success

  • Listening Well

    Listening Well

    Successful people generally share several key traits. One of those is being a good listener.

    But, how do you become a good listener? It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no magic switch.

    Start by taking the initiative to enter the point of view of those around you. That is the essence of good listening and a form of empathy. It’s just a basic human need, like air or water. It is the art of understanding how others experience reality.

    You have to get out of your opinion and into theirs, at least temporarily. This is hard work for anyone because you have to wear both hats. These tips will help you be a great listener:

    • Ask someone how they’re doing. Don’t wait for them to come up and tell you what’s going on.
    • Ask open-ended questions. For example, “How’s it going?” is better than, “things are good, right?”
    • Ask a few times. Ask follow-up questions. That conveys you really want to hear their experience and they are much more likely to tell you what’s really going on.
    • When you get the info, find how they feel before providing a solution. Instead of, “OK, try this solution”, say, “That must be frustrating” or “I’d be overwhelmed myself” or “That would bug me too.” You have just entered a place inside their heads where few people go and you have now become a significant person for them.
    • Don’t worry that listening means agreement. Many people hesitate in listening because they are concerned the person will think, “Great, you agree with me.” If that is true, you need to deal with that person’s attitude of entitlement. But most of the time, people don’t assume that. You can say “That’s a tough situation” and later in the same conversation say, “I think you dropped the ball” and both are true.
    • Don’t give advice until you know they need it. My experience is that, over half the time, if you listen well and support, people are smart enough to solve their own challenges, and your “being there” was all they needed.

    Let TownsendNOW help open your eyes and ears.

     

  • Say What You Want

    Say What You Want

    When you think of the “successful people” you know, what comes to mind? Do they have some sort of je ne sais quoi you might be missing out on?

    The answer is really simple – they have the ability to ask regularly for what they want. More often than not, successful people make simple asks and get what they want.

    The “want list” can be anything, including:

    • How you want your kids, spouse, date, or friend to behave
    • What you want to do on date night
    • The results you want your co-workers or employees to deliver
    • A better price on a product or service
    • Where you’d like to vacation next year

    On the other hand, I find people who struggle with saying what they want also have trouble finding success. There are lots of reasons for this, such as not wanting to seem selfish or uncaring, not wanting to put people to a lot of trouble, or not wanting to alienate anyone.

    All of these obstacles point to a single issue: the belief that wanting something is a win-lose transaction. If I get what I want, someone has to lose. I’ll get the better business deal, but the other person will resent me. I’ll tell my kids I insist that they clean up their room, but they’ll escalate. I’ll ask for the results from my employees, but they will think I’m demanding.

    While this does happen sometimes, if you try to spend your time with reasonable people, no one really minds. In fact, reasonable people prefer to know what you want. Then it’s clear. They are informed as to whether they can say “yes,” “no,” or “I have an alternative.”

    Here are a few tips to lead and live better with directness:

    • Remember how annoyed you get when someone won’t get to the point and is indirect? You don’t want to be that person either.
    • Figure out your “ask” ahead of time. If it’s something important, think it through: is it reasonable on my part? Is the timing right? Does it take the other person’s interests into consideration, because I authentically care about them?
    • Gain access to your internal desires. When you’re hungry, you say, “Pull the car over, let’s go to that restaurant.” In the same way, when you can feel the positive excitement of reaching a goal, then use that feeling as a motivator for those around you.
    • Expect a positive response. When you think, “She and I are both nice people and there’s no reason this can’t go well,” you are not afraid. You are confident and that calms the other person down. But when you are afraid and expect a tantrum or a negative response, you are more likely to get that. People can sense fear.
    • Look them in the eye. People trust someone who looks at them directly. It’s respectful and it’s definite. The shifty looking away out of anxiety conveys that something is wrong, and trust becomes an issue.
    • Stop talking and give them space to answer. Don’t let your unease make you fill in the blanks with lots of nothing talk, like, “But you know you have a choice” (they know), or “And here’s another reason” (they have heard enough reasons). People need room in their heads to deliberate on what you want and what they’d like to do.

    The Bible says we have not because we ask not. Mick Jagger says, “we can’t always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, we get what we need.”

    I put God way above Mick, but both ideas are helpful!

     

     

  • Key Essential Skills in Life

    Key Essential Skills in Life

    When looking at neuroscience and performance research, I find two groups of skills sets are necessary for success in life.

    The first is “task skills.” These are the “doing” aspects, like making goals and forging a path to success.

    The second is “people skills.” These are the “relating” aspects, which center on creating inspiration and healthy culture for those around you.

    As research continues to come out, it is increasingly important for you to learn several specific “people abilities” which drive everything:

    Here are the Top 3:

    1. Listening well: All too often, we let people talk. But in our minds, we are formulating our response to them before they are finished. I often have my clients paraphrase what others are saying, asking, “Do I get your point of view now,” before they respond.
    2. Being vulnerable: Many times, we want to put up a shield so as not to show weakness. However, we find people are actually drawn more to a person who is open about their weaknesses and failures.
    3. Being direct: This is the ability, to be honest and emotionally present at the same time. It is more difficult than you think. Learn to keep your eye contact and your connectedness, even during the tough talks.

    Let us help you forge your own path to professional or personal success.

     

  • The Secret of the Two Types of Pain

    The Secret of the Two Types of Pain

    Pain, or discomfort, is a normal part of life. For example, it’s painful and uncomfortable to deal with:

    • Interpersonal conflicts
    • Family issues
    • Professional conflicts, including stress and miscommunications
    • The demands of everyday life
    • Grief

    The list goes on. But, those who have discovered the secret of understanding and dealing with the two types of pain are more likely to be successful.

    Things will go much smoother once you are able to deal with discomfort.

    I talk about these ideas for leaders in my book, “The Entitlement Cure:”

    Symptom Pain: A challenge must be addressed, which makes you uncomfortable. It is a symptom with a cause underneath it, just the way a fever is the symptom of an infection, and the way a lit-up oil gauge is the symptom of an engine problem. The function of symptom pain is simply to let you know it’s time to figure out what’s really going on. The items I referenced above are symptoms. They bother us and take our attention, but they are driven by something deeper. When you feel something wrong in your gut, you can then transition that feeling to the second kind of pain, ‘success pain’.

    Success Pain: Success pain is discomfort from doing whatever it takes to root out the cause of the symptom to break down what is really going on? It is uncomfortable to take antibiotics, take time off from work when they need you at the office, or to modify your food intake and activities. But, that resolves the fever. It is uncomfortable to take your car to the mechanic, get a rental for the day, and pay for the cost of repairing the engine. But, that is the only way to get your car fixed.

    It is painful to do the work to figure out what the real root of the problem is. It is also uncomfortable and takes significant energy to then figure out what’s happening. However, that sort of investment will pay off in time.

     

  • The 3 Right Attitudes for Success

    The 3 Right Attitudes for Success

    Research has shown us that a major factor of what really drives our success, and pushes us through tough problems, is our attitude.   The right attitude, at the right time, can make all the difference in the world.

    Have you ever known someone who had all the advantages: opportunity, resources, intelligence and supportive people, but who somehow managed to lose in a big way, or just never went scale? Conversely, I have also known many people who had very little, and who encountered massive obstacles, and still came out on top. The difference is usually attitude.

    Simply put, an attitude is a perspective, or a “spin” on yourself, others, or your circumstances. It is the lens you use to view your world.

    The attitudes that I have found in some of the most uber-successful people I work with are below, along with skills you can apply today to develop them.

    I belong | 

    This is the attitude that “I am not alone.” The attitude of belonging means that you always feel there are a few people in your life who you can turn to when you are overwhelmed, buried and stressed out, who will always have your back. People who have an attitude of belonging always know that no matter what goes down, they are not isolated, and someone has their back.

    Skill | Find 3-4 people of character, whom you trust and become vulnerable with them. Bring them into how overwhelmed and stressed out you have been. You will be amazed at the focus and positivity that emerges from this.

    I have power | 

    The attitude that “I am not helpless, and I can do something about my situation.” Successful people always look for a choice and they don’t give in to what the research calls learned helplessness, which is a feeling that no matter what you do, you will lose, so why not give up? Instead, they think, “I may have financial, strategic or cultural problems, but I also have enough power to make one great choice to change things here.”

    Skill | Brainstorm with a trusted friend the toughest situation you are currently facing. Literally get in front of a whiteboard and write down 10 choices you can make (they may be difficult, but it’s movement). Then pick the one that will get you the most traction on the problem and execute it. That is acting on power. Note, this is not power over another. It is power over your life.

    I’m OK even when I’m not OK |

     A little bit of a word play, but this is the attitude that failure, even repeated failure, won’t get you down. You will resist the judge in your head who calls you a loser and disappointment and instead remember that every time you fail, you commit to learning something valuable. So failure (doing something not OK) doesn’t mean you’re not OK (a total loser).

    Skill | Tell someone you trust the 3 toughest bad choices you’ve ever made (I’m serious about the “someone you trust”, there are lots of people who can’t handle who you really are, or would judge you, so pick carefully). Don’t minimize it or blame others, just say the raw reality. Then ask them what they think of you. The right person will say something like, “Yes, you’ve made some major mistakes. And I’m OK with you and I want to help you grow in life.”   Success comes from knowing that we don’t have to pretend that we are someone we are not. And it comes from hearing that we are acceptable and connected even when we don’t feel so acceptable.

    Attitudes can be everything. Just work on one of these this week. You’ve noticed that each skill involves another person to support you. If you don’t have someone, or someones, like that, read my book “How to Be a Best Friend Forever”, which will outline how to have those sorts of relationships.

    Best to your leadership!