communication

Having Difficult but Effective Conversations

January 19, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

There is simply no way to get through life successfully and sanely, without having to sit down with someone to have “the talk.” Whether it’s your spouse, a family member, someone you’re dating, a friend or a work colleague, things just come up that rub us the wrong way, or are actually crises, that must be addressed and resolved. However, we aren’t born with the ability to have a difficult conversation that actually is effective. It’s a learned skill. So here are some steps to get you where you want to go.

The goal of any difficult conversation is to solve a problem while maintaining alignment. In other words, to speak truth about an issue without alienating the person. There is certainly a small percentage of humans that can’t tolerate any confrontation, and you can’t control their reactions. But the great majority of people are ok with hashing out problems. Here are the skills, in order of when to do them.

Convey that you are “for” them: Start by letting the person know that, while this is an important conversation, that you want their best. You don’t want to win over them or punish them, you want to solve a problem.
State the problem: Clearly and in a few words, state what the problem is, so that it’s understandable. If needed use a few examples, with dates and times, to jog their memory and understand what you’re trying to say.
Own your part: Take responsibility for however you have contributed to the issue. It may be 90% or it may be 10%, but the great odds are that you aren’t 100% perfect in this dance. Not only is it the right thing to do, it keeps the person from feeling like you think you’re a perfect parent, pointing your finger at an immature child. If you fail to own your part, you will not take the conversation anywhere near a positive direction.
Hear them out/deal with diversion: Everyone needs their day in court, so ask them what their side of it is. There may be info that you need to know, to flesh out how you see the problem. But don’t let the person hijack the conversation with endless diversions to other topics to keep themselves away from responsibility. Warmly, but directly, bring the topic back to the issue you began with.
Ask for specific change: People need practical suggestions, not high-concept ones. “I need for you to ask me how I’m doing around half the time we get together, that feels more mutual” is a lot better than “Get your act together.”
Consequences if necessary: Sometimes a good conversation is all that’s needed. But sometimes, after a few failed conversations, boundaries are needed.
End with “for”: These talks can make the person feel that you don’t care about them. Just reassure them, at the end, that you truly want the best for them and for the relationship.
Check in later: After 2-24 hours, reach out to them again and ask how they’re doing with the talk. Sometimes, they will feel hurt or misunderstood. Spend a bit of time clarifying that you really care and want things to work out.

These steps work. If you want more information, check out my book, How to Have That Difficult Conversation That You’ve Been Avoiding. Remember, it’s just a set of skills that you can learn.

Best,

John

Your “One Thing” Recipe for Success in the New Year

December 28, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have gotten to the point that we feel a bit skeptical about “New Year-New You” thinking. Whether it be about diet, health, career, family or relationships, we find that it pretty much tends to have a good start and then fizzle out.

This approach has a good intent, but the research says that the success rate over a year is pretty abysmal, and that can be discouraging. So can you make a lasting change during this next year?

Yes, you can, and let’s keep it simple. It’s one thing. I have found that if a person will take this one step, and stick with that step for the year, the chances of being really happy with the results are higher than with anything else. Stripped down to the bare minimum, it’s this:

Spend at least an hour a week communicating with 3 people who want to grow and change in some area. That is, you invite 3 people you know, who are into learning to improving their lives, and just talk about that once a week. It can be together, or individually, though the group tends to be more powerful.

Research states, over and over again, that the power of positive relationships can be transformative in our success in life. The right people motivate us to be better people. They believe in us, they encourage us, and they dust us off when we fail.

More than that, when you communicate (face to face, video, phone, text) with others and express that you want to change in some area, this is where you will find more focus on your dream or desire. You’ll determine goals. Plans and strategies will emerge. You’ll deal with challenges and obstacles.

This one thing isn’t the only thing. But the other things cascade from that.

I would love to hear in late 2020 that you are still having that one hour minimum communication with a few growing people. And if you stick to it, you are much more likely than ever before, to experience the “New You” in a permanent way.

So I wish for you, and all of us, a great and “connected” New Year!

Best,

John

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

November 9, 2018 by sgadmin Leave a Comment

There are three kinds of people in the world:

(1) those who have fear and anxiety and admit it;

(2) those who have fear and anxiety and don’t admit it

(3) those who truly don’t have fear and anxiety, but cause it in others!

And often, a (1) and a (2) will end up marrying a (3), but that’s another blog for another day.

So this blog is for the (1)’s. If you do struggle with anxiety and are courageous enough to admit it, you know how difficult it can be. Fearful thoughts popping in your head in the middle of the night, difficulty making decisions, second-guessing yourself, and then severe issues such as anxiety disorders and panic disorders can make life miserable. Here are some practical tips to help lessen and even resolve fear and anxiety.

Set the bar at “manageable anxiety” and not “zero anxiety.”

A life with zero fear and anxiety is not a healthy life. Would you want to be married to someone who doesn’t care enough about you to worry about your relationship, your health and how your job is going? Sometimes anxiety just means that you care about yourself or someone else.

See the value in some anxiety.

You need your anxiety. When you wake up on the morning of the first of the month, you need to be concerned that you pay your rent or mortgage. Your anxiety keeps you from saying, “I had a long day yesterday, I’ll call in sick and go to a matinee.” Fear can be your friend, at decent levels.

Get to the “why.”

Instead of trying to stop feeling anxious, move toward the feeling and not away from it. Ask yourself why you are feeling it at this particular time. Often, when you understand the root, you are halfway to getting it resolved. For example, you are anxious about keeping your job because your boss told you that your performance was lacking. However, if it’s a long-term job and you have a good history, and your boss said nothing more than that, that anxiety is probably irrational. So why would you have that fear? For many people, it’s because they aren’t able to feel secure about their talents, their competencies and their value in the workplace. So when there is a glitch like a negative performance review, they forget who they are and what they can do. If that is the “why”, you will feel some relief almost immediately.

Never, never, never suck it up and isolate. Fear is like a cyst. It metastasizes in the darkness, and it shrinks in the laser beam. Use the laser beam of the right people in your life to tell them your fears. Let them be “People Fuel” for you, and that will calm you down.

Manageable fear doesn’t get in the way of a great life. Keep the balance.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

4 Tips To Avoid Drama

August 24, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Human beings are prone to drama. Unfortunate, but true. It’s just in our nature.

You need to know how to work through drama when you encounter it. Otherwise, you’re headed toward a vicious cycle that will only drain you emotionally.

How Does Drama Start?

What is drama? Drama is when a person has an emotional meltdown in your presence. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and things begin to escalate with no good resolutions, you understand how drama can evolve quickly.

Difficult conversations are often a result of trying to diffuse drama. Read my thoughts on how to approach a difficult conversation with grace and truth here.

4 Tips for Avoiding Drama

Here are four tips to help you avoid these unproductive and useless conversations.

Avoid the toxic triangle and communicate. A toxic triangle is when one person hears something about another person through a third party. You probably know it better as “gossip.” For example, you don’t want to hear that your boss thinks you have a poor attitude from a coworker. Instead, you need to have a healthy and open conversation with your manager where you both are vulnerable. Direct communication always wins out over triangulation.
Nip it in the bud. Misunderstandings between people almost always fester over time if we ignore them. Let’s say you had a conflict with a friend. Don’t let the issue linger. It’ll create an awkward and unhealthy environment when you’re spending time with mutual friends who will know the conflict hasn’t been resolved. That creates drama. Take the initiative and act.
Listen before you express your point of view. When you can see that the other person is upset, don’t try to explain yourself immediately. They are not experiencing you from their rational, prefrontal cortex part of the brain. They are lodged in the amygdala, where they feel fight, flight, freeze or fold feelings. Instead, show concern for what they feel, and authentically make statements such as, “That must be difficult”, “Tell me more,” and “It sounds overwhelming.” Don’t assume this has worked because you said it. Ask if you understand. This calms down a great deal of drama so that people can get to be friends again.
Set ground rules. Unfortunately, there are people who are just walking dramas. They blow up, interrupt, yell and make life miserable for everyone. Also, they tend to never solve their problems! When you are with this type of person, before you have the talk, set these three ground rules:
- We can finish sentences without the other person interrupting.
- We can be upset, but not yelling or disrespectful.
- We will seek to understand what each other is saying.

Most people will agree to these fairly simple boundaries. However, keep in mind that, when the conversation begins, they will lose their perspective and start violating the ground rules. That’s okay. Just gently remind the other person of the boundary: “Remember the interrupting ground rule? I need to finish my sentence first.” Most people will remember and agree to continue in the right way. If they continue to violate your set boundaries, simply halt the conversation and say you will need to resume it at another time when the other party can abide by the rules in a calm manner.

Open communication and boundaries are the keys to negating drama before it gets out of control. Follow these four suggestions and you’ll be on the road to a drama-free life!

What are the Positives and Negatives of Isolation?

August 17, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

One of the most important aspects of our lives is the need for connection and great relationships. When we don’t have that connection, we can find ourselves in isolation. While it can be healthy in limited doses, isolation can be harmful to your wellbeing when it turns into an extended period of time.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

First, let’s talk about small periods of “alone time.” Isolation in small doses is a good thing.

All of us, even the extroverts among us, need “me time” to rest, recharge, and get our heads back in the game of life. This “me time” possibly includes being alone in one’s home or office, reading, listening to music or taking a walk.

Our brains crave a space during the day. In this space, there is no external stimulation coming in which we need to deal with, such as someone’s questions, or story or simply talking about their experiences. Alone is a good thing in this context. It’s not permanent. It’s just a “time out,” if you will.

Loneliness is often a symptom of isolation. I share four tips to help you move away from loneliness and into healthy relationships here.

The 3 Types of Negative Isolation

A little isolation is okay. But, if you are not careful, it can turn into prolonged periods where we don’t connect with anyone. Isolation can sort-of take control of your life.

I want to outline the three types of isolation which aren’t helpful for us and how we can address them.

Continual interpersonal isolation. This is where there’s “too much” aloneness. It may be that you are very busy at work, or don’t regularly reach out to friends or family. Regardless, research indicates that we need some sort of meaningful, supportive contact with people every week of our lives. So, if life has you in a busy-and-isolated season, that’s fine. That’s normal. But, don’t make it a lifestyle. Have lunch or a good phone call with supportive, safe people a minimum of three times a week.
The isolation of exposure to chronic relationships. You may not be technically alone, but if you spend significant amounts of time on people who drain you or are toxic, you are not experiencing the transfer of relational nutrients that you need. You may be isolating yourself without even knowing it if you are not with someone who listens, is emphatic, and wants the best for you. If this is your situation, prune back the chronic relationship and increase the supportive connections.
The isolation in our minds. Some people can be around supportive, warm relationships all day and STILL don’t feel connected. This is because their mental isolation is so pervasive that, try as they might, they can’t let others in. So, they always feel they are “on the outside looking in” on life and not a part of rich relationships. This is a problem called detachment, which is the inability to make vulnerable connections. If this is the issue, you can get help, in the form of a coach or therapist who specializes in detachment.

There is a great deal of information and research on isolation. It can be overwhelming, but not insurmountable by any means. Live in a relationship, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. Don’t let isolation rule over a life of connection, love, meaning, and energy.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

August 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Shame is a big deal because simply put, it can cripple you. Shame is what happens when we experience a self-attack and tell ourselves we’re just not worthy of being loved.

Everybody feels shame at some point and it can be excruciating. Deciding to handle this difficult emotion in a healthy way can make a significantly positive impact on your life!

Shame: “It Cuts Like a Knife”

Bryan Adams lyrics aside, shame can literally feel like you’ve been hurt by a sharp object. You physically ache. You feel useless or think you let everybody down or that nobody really likes you. These are overwhelming feelings that can break you down if you are not mindful.

Some people feel ashamed for not being perfect, having needs, for needing reassurance, or for asking for time. Some people even feel ashamed for success because they think it’s going to make them a narcissist. No – stop doing that! These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, they are quite normal.

Shame can often come right after a failure. Learn four healthy ways to handle failure and turn it into a positive!

The Wrong Ways to Counter Shame

We may be prone to dealing with shame the wrong way. This can lead to even bigger problems. Here are a few wrong ways to counter shame.

First, we try to ignore it. If you ignore your feelings in one way, they’re going to manifest in another way. They’ll come up as an attitude problem or show as physical problems like colitis, backaches, headaches, and GI problems. If you don’t handle those feelings of shame and instead ignore them, your body will process in other (negative) ways.

Maybe, instead of ignoring our shame, we beat ourselves up more and then give in to the feeling that we messed up or aren’t worthy. Now, all of a sudden, you are beating yourself up and that just makes things worse.

Long story short, you’re not fine. But, it’s okay.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

We’ve talked briefly about unhealthy ways to handle shame. You are no longer going to ignore it, or feel ashamed of it, right? Good! Instead, let’s consider these healthy approaches to shame.

Recognize that it’s happening and don’t give in to shame. When you start to feel shame, go, “That inner judge is beating me up again.” Just the fact that you’re aware of the feeling and can identify it can alleviate a lot of the pain. Self-awareness is your friend!
Know why you feel shame. Now that you recognize how shame feels for you, the next step is understanding why this feeling came about. Is it because you failed at something recently, or are you remembering something from your past? Do a little digging. What was the sequence of events that triggered your feeling of shame? This analysis is important to help you start identifying potential shame triggers so you can avoid them in the future!
Connect. Sometimes it can take a little time and personal interaction with someone you trust to shake off a feeling of shame. Spend some time with someone who de-shames you, really cares about you, and talk about what you are ashamed of with them. This release can be incredibly healing!

Self-attacks are an unfortunate reality of life. We shouldn’t ignore it or just try to work through it because the shame will simply cause more problems, both psychological and physical. It’s just not worth it. Dealing with shame in a healthy way is the only way to go. Get connected to the safe people in your life and start working through why you’re attacking yourself today. I promise you’ll feel better!