isolation

Patience is a Better Friend than a Foe

February 8, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

It is just hard, hard, hard to be patient. It’s so easy to be frustrated and even jump the gun on situations that involve time, and ending up making poor decisions. But learning to be competent in the skill of patience is a secret that people who accomplish great things in life know well.

All of us want the same things, in general, in life: great relationships and families, a meaningful job, enough money to make our way, good health, self-improvement and a way to give back to the world. And each of these endeavors requires a certain amount of planning, resource, support and time, for them to work. Patience is about handling the time element.

We can’t ignore or rush time. It is just too important. We have to adapt to it, and not oppose it, to get what we want.

Time is the process of events that makes it all happen well:

It takes time to cook a great meal. The oven’s heat mashes all the ingredients together in the oven, and in a while, a great meal comes out.
It takes time to go on a fitness plan and then see results.
It takes time to create a project at work, and then launch it, hoping it will bear fruit.
It takes time to find the right relationship, and then develop it in a healthy way.

And for most of what matters to us, there is no shortcut, no “microwave” to any of these. If there was, we would probably have discovered them by now.

Patience is simply the act of mentally making friends with time. That is, not fighting the process, not ignoring it, and not rushing it. But adapting to time’s requirements while being happy about it. Here are some tips to help when you find yourself frustrated by time:

Determine how important your desired outcome actually is to you. Sometimes we get bent out of shape about a desire that’s really not worth that kind of mental expenditure. It’s one thing to learn to be patient about seeing if your work project will bring results in time. It’s another to see if Netflix will continue a show you like for another season. Just consider the value of what you’re working on.

Establish as much planning and control as possible on the outcome you desire. It’s one thing to be impatient with ourselves in getting in shape, or finding a relationship, when we haven’t taken some risks and made some effort. We should actually be a bit impatient with our passivity, solve that problem first, and get moving. But when we have done the work of planning and controlling whatever we can in the goal, just the knowledge that we have done our part can help us be more patient.

Have your “internal thinker” help your “internal feeler.” Our brains have both rational and emotional parts to them. Frustration with how long something takes is a feeling, not a thought. When you find yourself frustrated, just remind yourself on a thinking level, that you have a plan and a hope, and that your efforts and your patience will hopefully be worth it all. That can often increase patience, and decrease impatience.

Engage in something else that’s current. Nothing makes us crazier than obsessing on the plan, or the person, or what results aren’t happening now. When our mental energy is focused primarily on the future outcome we want, instead of what’s happening today, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of contentment. So return to the “now” in your life: the activities and conversations that bring you joy and are productive for you. Sometimes it helps to find things that have an instant result as well: a conversation with a positive person, a walk outside or tv show you enjoy.

Vent to a safe person. We are more likely to be impatient when we don’t share our frustrations with others. It is a kind of isolation, and isolation never helps anything. A brief conversation with someone who “gets you”, even if they can’t help you speed things up, will strengthen your patience.

Nothing that truly matters is instant. And everything that matters requires time. Learn patience, and the passage of time waiting for results, will be your friend, not your foe.

Best,

John

Get out of the Comparison Mentality

December 5, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

When is the last time you noticed another person’s situation, and found yourself comparing yours to theirs? It could be about their good fortune, like buying a new home or their kids getting into their chosen college. Then your thoughts can turn to how you’re a bit inferior, or behind the curve, or just unfortunate. On the other hand, it could be about the struggles of others, such as a financial loss or a divorce. In that direction, you can find yourself thinking that while you are sad for them, you have some level of relief that you are not going through that scenario.

It’s natural to compare yourself to others. We want to see how we stack up with them. But, what is natural for us is not always good for us. Here are some reasons why it will help you, to get out of the comparison mentality, and how to succeed in that.

You lose contentment. It’s pretty much impossible to be content and “OK” with your situation, when you compare. Think about it, when you evaluate yourself by others’ situations, you can only be as content as your ranking. If you determine that you have less “whatever” than most of your friends, you will rank yourself in the bottom half, which can lead to a lack of contentment, feelings of being one down, and even resentful. And even if you’re on the “top half” in some area, you must maintain that ranking to be OK. That is a pressure you do not want. So set yourself up with a mentality of growth and self-improvement that is about who you are, not about increasing your rankings.

You lose control. Comparisons take time, energy and focus away from what we can control, and put them in a place we can’t control. You always have some amount of control over your choices and decisions, and how you will live your day, week and year. You can be with someone you love, spend time with your kids, engage in your work, follow your passion, and find a purpose in life. All of these are worth your time, energy and focus. But you have zero control over other people’s choices. Influence, perhaps, but not control. Comparisons keep you with your nose to the window, so to speak, wishing you could have what the other has, and not investing instead in a good life for yourself. So put that finite time, energy and focus into what you can do something about.

You distance yourself from others. When we compare, healthy people are turned off. They don’t like to be around the envy, jealousy and resentment that a comparing person expresses. They want to talk about what you and they are actually doing, with no rankings and yardsticks about others. Notice how much of your conversations and thoughts in a day is about the fortunes of others, and if it’s a significant percentage, ratchet it back.

You have enough to do, to keep yourself busy and productive without comparisons. Work on being the best you that you can be.

Best,

John

What are the Positives and Negatives of Isolation?

August 17, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

One of the most important aspects of our lives is the need for connection and great relationships. When we don’t have that connection, we can find ourselves in isolation. While it can be healthy in limited doses, isolation can be harmful to your wellbeing when it turns into an extended period of time.

Isolation Is Not Always Bad

First, let’s talk about small periods of “alone time.” Isolation in small doses is a good thing.

All of us, even the extroverts among us, need “me time” to rest, recharge, and get our heads back in the game of life. This “me time” possibly includes being alone in one’s home or office, reading, listening to music or taking a walk.

Our brains crave a space during the day. In this space, there is no external stimulation coming in which we need to deal with, such as someone’s questions, or story or simply talking about their experiences. Alone is a good thing in this context. It’s not permanent. It’s just a “time out,” if you will.

Loneliness is often a symptom of isolation. I share four tips to help you move away from loneliness and into healthy relationships here.

The 3 Types of Negative Isolation

A little isolation is okay. But, if you are not careful, it can turn into prolonged periods where we don’t connect with anyone. Isolation can sort-of take control of your life.

I want to outline the three types of isolation which aren’t helpful for us and how we can address them.

Continual interpersonal isolation. This is where there’s “too much” aloneness. It may be that you are very busy at work, or don’t regularly reach out to friends or family. Regardless, research indicates that we need some sort of meaningful, supportive contact with people every week of our lives. So, if life has you in a busy-and-isolated season, that’s fine. That’s normal. But, don’t make it a lifestyle. Have lunch or a good phone call with supportive, safe people a minimum of three times a week.
The isolation of exposure to chronic relationships. You may not be technically alone, but if you spend significant amounts of time on people who drain you or are toxic, you are not experiencing the transfer of relational nutrients that you need. You may be isolating yourself without even knowing it if you are not with someone who listens, is emphatic, and wants the best for you. If this is your situation, prune back the chronic relationship and increase the supportive connections.
The isolation in our minds. Some people can be around supportive, warm relationships all day and STILL don’t feel connected. This is because their mental isolation is so pervasive that, try as they might, they can’t let others in. So, they always feel they are “on the outside looking in” on life and not a part of rich relationships. This is a problem called detachment, which is the inability to make vulnerable connections. If this is the issue, you can get help, in the form of a coach or therapist who specializes in detachment.

There is a great deal of information and research on isolation. It can be overwhelming, but not insurmountable by any means. Live in a relationship, even if it’s just a platonic friendship. Don’t let isolation rule over a life of connection, love, meaning, and energy.