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Patience is a Better Friend than a Foe

February 8, 2020 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

It is just hard, hard, hard to be patient. It’s so easy to be frustrated and even jump the gun on situations that involve time, and ending up making poor decisions. But learning to be competent in the skill of patience is a secret that people who accomplish great things in life know well.

All of us want the same things, in general, in life: great relationships and families, a meaningful job, enough money to make our way, good health, self-improvement and a way to give back to the world. And each of these endeavors requires a certain amount of planning, resource, support and time, for them to work. Patience is about handling the time element.

We can’t ignore or rush time. It is just too important. We have to adapt to it, and not oppose it, to get what we want.

Time is the process of events that makes it all happen well:

It takes time to cook a great meal. The oven’s heat mashes all the ingredients together in the oven, and in a while, a great meal comes out.
It takes time to go on a fitness plan and then see results.
It takes time to create a project at work, and then launch it, hoping it will bear fruit.
It takes time to find the right relationship, and then develop it in a healthy way.

And for most of what matters to us, there is no shortcut, no “microwave” to any of these. If there was, we would probably have discovered them by now.

Patience is simply the act of mentally making friends with time. That is, not fighting the process, not ignoring it, and not rushing it. But adapting to time’s requirements while being happy about it. Here are some tips to help when you find yourself frustrated by time:

Determine how important your desired outcome actually is to you. Sometimes we get bent out of shape about a desire that’s really not worth that kind of mental expenditure. It’s one thing to learn to be patient about seeing if your work project will bring results in time. It’s another to see if Netflix will continue a show you like for another season. Just consider the value of what you’re working on.

Establish as much planning and control as possible on the outcome you desire. It’s one thing to be impatient with ourselves in getting in shape, or finding a relationship, when we haven’t taken some risks and made some effort. We should actually be a bit impatient with our passivity, solve that problem first, and get moving. But when we have done the work of planning and controlling whatever we can in the goal, just the knowledge that we have done our part can help us be more patient.

Have your “internal thinker” help your “internal feeler.” Our brains have both rational and emotional parts to them. Frustration with how long something takes is a feeling, not a thought. When you find yourself frustrated, just remind yourself on a thinking level, that you have a plan and a hope, and that your efforts and your patience will hopefully be worth it all. That can often increase patience, and decrease impatience.

Engage in something else that’s current. Nothing makes us crazier than obsessing on the plan, or the person, or what results aren’t happening now. When our mental energy is focused primarily on the future outcome we want, instead of what’s happening today, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of contentment. So return to the “now” in your life: the activities and conversations that bring you joy and are productive for you. Sometimes it helps to find things that have an instant result as well: a conversation with a positive person, a walk outside or tv show you enjoy.

Vent to a safe person. We are more likely to be impatient when we don’t share our frustrations with others. It is a kind of isolation, and isolation never helps anything. A brief conversation with someone who “gets you”, even if they can’t help you speed things up, will strengthen your patience.

Nothing that truly matters is instant. And everything that matters requires time. Learn patience, and the passage of time waiting for results, will be your friend, not your foe.

Best,

John

3 Skills to Help Improve Your Willpower

October 5, 2018 by sgadmin 4 Comments

When is the last time you said to yourself, I just need more willpower so that I’ll … (fill in the blank: workout more, eat better, get to bed earlier, have a hard conversation, the list is very long)? Each and every week, we find ourselves not accomplishing the habits and decisions that are important to us. It can be a discouraging and frustrating experience.

The truth that I have discovered over years of study and working with people is this: willpower can be strengthened only when we realize that willpower is more of a result than a cause.

What is Willpower?

In other words, when people tell you, “Look, it’s just a choice. All you have to do is choose to get up earlier, not eat sweets, etc.,” they are missing the point. The reality is that our chooser (that is, our willpower) is actually the problem. You can’t willpower your way to success and health.

It is much more effective to think of willpower as a mental mechanism that needs to be fed and developed into a strength. Most people with great willpower are doing the behaviors that require this.

Improve Your Willpower

I believe there are three skills that will strengthen our choosers. Here they are.

#1: Write down your “why.” We tend to do what is important to us, what we value. It helps us focus our energies on those things we deeply love and care about. For example, the “why” of working out more maybe “because I want to be healthy enough to be with my family and love them for many years,” or “because I want to feel good and have my body do what needs to be done,” or both. The “why” gets you way beyond “just choose it.”

#2: Let those in your Life Team encourage you. Your Life Team is comprised of those safe and honest people in your life whom you trust. Tell this team about your challenges to develop better habits, and ask for their support. Have them text you a couple of times a week with simple encouragements, like “I know it’s been a busy week, but I’m pulling for you to get up early and workout. Thinking about you.”

Neuroscience research is proving to us how much energy and motivation comes from a simple, caring, encouraging statement from others. I am on a flight writing this blog and just sent one to a friend who is going through a very complex negotiation process in the company he runs. It took me one minute, and he replied instantly that it helped him continue on.

#3: Learn from failure. Don’t let the “judge” in your head say, “you blew it again, what a loser.” Failure is merely a learning curve. The only way to indeed fail is to learn nothing from it! So, why did you avoid that hard conversation? Was it because you were too busy, or feared conflict, or had second thoughts? Figure that part out, and forge ahead.

Make Better Choices

Willpower is a great servant but a poor master. Strengthen it, and you’ll make better choices. You will be amazed at the amount of energy and motivation that goes along with increasing your willpower. Change your mindset to focus on the “why.” Learn to accept (and give) encouragement.

And by the way, when your favorite “willpower” friend says “Well, just choose the right thing,” just say “So we don’t need to understand our reasons, or get encouragement, or deal with our obstacles?” Maybe it will help them, too.

4 Tips To Avoid Drama

August 24, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Human beings are prone to drama. Unfortunate, but true. It’s just in our nature.

You need to know how to work through drama when you encounter it. Otherwise, you’re headed toward a vicious cycle that will only drain you emotionally.

How Does Drama Start?

What is drama? Drama is when a person has an emotional meltdown in your presence. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone and things begin to escalate with no good resolutions, you understand how drama can evolve quickly.

Difficult conversations are often a result of trying to diffuse drama. Read my thoughts on how to approach a difficult conversation with grace and truth here.

4 Tips for Avoiding Drama

Here are four tips to help you avoid these unproductive and useless conversations.

Avoid the toxic triangle and communicate. A toxic triangle is when one person hears something about another person through a third party. You probably know it better as “gossip.” For example, you don’t want to hear that your boss thinks you have a poor attitude from a coworker. Instead, you need to have a healthy and open conversation with your manager where you both are vulnerable. Direct communication always wins out over triangulation.
Nip it in the bud. Misunderstandings between people almost always fester over time if we ignore them. Let’s say you had a conflict with a friend. Don’t let the issue linger. It’ll create an awkward and unhealthy environment when you’re spending time with mutual friends who will know the conflict hasn’t been resolved. That creates drama. Take the initiative and act.
Listen before you express your point of view. When you can see that the other person is upset, don’t try to explain yourself immediately. They are not experiencing you from their rational, prefrontal cortex part of the brain. They are lodged in the amygdala, where they feel fight, flight, freeze or fold feelings. Instead, show concern for what they feel, and authentically make statements such as, “That must be difficult”, “Tell me more,” and “It sounds overwhelming.” Don’t assume this has worked because you said it. Ask if you understand. This calms down a great deal of drama so that people can get to be friends again.
Set ground rules. Unfortunately, there are people who are just walking dramas. They blow up, interrupt, yell and make life miserable for everyone. Also, they tend to never solve their problems! When you are with this type of person, before you have the talk, set these three ground rules:
- We can finish sentences without the other person interrupting.
- We can be upset, but not yelling or disrespectful.
- We will seek to understand what each other is saying.

Most people will agree to these fairly simple boundaries. However, keep in mind that, when the conversation begins, they will lose their perspective and start violating the ground rules. That’s okay. Just gently remind the other person of the boundary: “Remember the interrupting ground rule? I need to finish my sentence first.” Most people will remember and agree to continue in the right way. If they continue to violate your set boundaries, simply halt the conversation and say you will need to resume it at another time when the other party can abide by the rules in a calm manner.

Open communication and boundaries are the keys to negating drama before it gets out of control. Follow these four suggestions and you’ll be on the road to a drama-free life!

Feeling Insecure? Here Are 3 Healthy Ways to Deal

August 20, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Feeling insecure from time to time is completely normal, especially when you are actively trying to grow and challenge yourself to be your best. From a young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. While this comparison in small doses is natural, it also sets us up to feel negative things sometimes, including insecurity.

Social media makes this human tendency of comparison a little too easy sometimes because it creates a space to feel insecure. Have you ever found yourself seeing a social media update from a friend or family member that made you lose confidence in yourself? That uncertainty, that anxiousness about yourself, that’s insecurity!

Insecurity can be a big problem if it isn’t addressed because it will slow you down and keep you from accomplishing your goals.

Deep down, we know we have enough resources, talent, and motivation to accomplish our goals. But, when we’re insecure, we’re not confident. That lack of confidence can hinder us from taking that next step toward the finish line! Don’t let your self-doubt hinder you!

The 3 Ps: Negative Approaches to Handling Insecurity

When insecurity comes into play, it can be hard to immediately know how to handle this negative feeling. I’m going to talk about a few of the negative ways people try to deal with insecurity, what I call the Three Ps.

Being Passive. The first P is being passive. Insecure people tend to want to stay in their comfort zones. For example, sitting around on a Friday night, waiting for someone to invite you somewhere instead of proactively asking someone to try out a new restaurant. Sorry, wishful thinking doesn’t actually work my friends! Over time, being passive about your life (instead of actively trying to improve and grow) causes you to become a very insecure person, and you isolate yourself more and more as you wait for something to change.
Pretending. The second approach to handling insecurity involves pretending you’re confident. Just saying “fake it ‘til you make it” during public speaking or engaging in polite conversation will only get you so far. It’s not a true fix. It will just get you in the ballpark, but you’ve got to be honest about your insecurity to get off the bench.
People-Pleasing. The third approach has to do with people-pleasing. Insecure people tend to give enormous power to other people, instead of using their own power. You say “yes” to attending events or doing favors even when, deep down, you should focus on yourself and re-energize.

If you have some insecurities in your life, don’t be discouraged. You can change the tone of your inner voice to be positive and healthy! A good first step is to put an end to self-judgment. You can read more about that here.

The 3 Rs: Three Healthy Ways to Deal with Insecurity

So far, I’ve shared my three Ps for handling insecurity in a negative way. Now, I’m going to go through three healthy ways to deal with insecurity that really work, what I like to call the three R’s.

Relationships. The first healthy way to deal with insecurity is through relationships. In your life, you must have a few healthy relationships with safe people that see you, see through you, and say, “You know, there’s a lot of good in you and I know you’ve had bad experiences before, maybe you’ve made mistakes, but I see a good person there. And I like you and I will help you.” The key is to focus on those relationships that don’t control you and grows you in the right direction.
Risk. The second way to handle insecurity relates to how you view risk. If you’re an insecure person, you become risk-averse by not putting yourself out there to try and engage in new relationships or hobbies. Learn to live with risk, move past your anxiousness and try new things. To clarify, when I talk about “risky” behavior here, I am not referring to anything that could be harmful to yourself or someone else. This risk is more along the lines of taking a chance or trying something for the first time. It’s not easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Resetting. Finally, dealing with insecurity sometimes means resetting. You’ve got to hit the reset button on how you feel about yourself, especially when you engage in (positive) risky behavior designed to push your boundaries. You begin to reset how you feel about yourself because of putting yourself out there, and you are also changing the way you react to new, risky situations.

Insecurity happens. No matter how confident you are, you will have insecure moments. The key to handling insecurity in a healthy way is in how you manage it. Remember the three R’s (relationships, risk, and resetting) if you get stuck. Get out of your comfort zone and get beyond insecurity!

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

August 13, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Shame is a big deal because simply put, it can cripple you. Shame is what happens when we experience a self-attack and tell ourselves we’re just not worthy of being loved.

Everybody feels shame at some point and it can be excruciating. Deciding to handle this difficult emotion in a healthy way can make a significantly positive impact on your life!

Shame: “It Cuts Like a Knife”

Bryan Adams lyrics aside, shame can literally feel like you’ve been hurt by a sharp object. You physically ache. You feel useless or think you let everybody down or that nobody really likes you. These are overwhelming feelings that can break you down if you are not mindful.

Some people feel ashamed for not being perfect, having needs, for needing reassurance, or for asking for time. Some people even feel ashamed for success because they think it’s going to make them a narcissist. No – stop doing that! These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, they are quite normal.

Shame can often come right after a failure. Learn four healthy ways to handle failure and turn it into a positive!

The Wrong Ways to Counter Shame

We may be prone to dealing with shame the wrong way. This can lead to even bigger problems. Here are a few wrong ways to counter shame.

First, we try to ignore it. If you ignore your feelings in one way, they’re going to manifest in another way. They’ll come up as an attitude problem or show as physical problems like colitis, backaches, headaches, and GI problems. If you don’t handle those feelings of shame and instead ignore them, your body will process in other (negative) ways.

Maybe, instead of ignoring our shame, we beat ourselves up more and then give in to the feeling that we messed up or aren’t worthy. Now, all of a sudden, you are beating yourself up and that just makes things worse.

Long story short, you’re not fine. But, it’s okay.

3 Healthy Ways to Handle Shame

We’ve talked briefly about unhealthy ways to handle shame. You are no longer going to ignore it, or feel ashamed of it, right? Good! Instead, let’s consider these healthy approaches to shame.

Recognize that it’s happening and don’t give in to shame. When you start to feel shame, go, “That inner judge is beating me up again.” Just the fact that you’re aware of the feeling and can identify it can alleviate a lot of the pain. Self-awareness is your friend!
Know why you feel shame. Now that you recognize how shame feels for you, the next step is understanding why this feeling came about. Is it because you failed at something recently, or are you remembering something from your past? Do a little digging. What was the sequence of events that triggered your feeling of shame? This analysis is important to help you start identifying potential shame triggers so you can avoid them in the future!
Connect. Sometimes it can take a little time and personal interaction with someone you trust to shake off a feeling of shame. Spend some time with someone who de-shames you, really cares about you, and talk about what you are ashamed of with them. This release can be incredibly healing!

Self-attacks are an unfortunate reality of life. We shouldn’t ignore it or just try to work through it because the shame will simply cause more problems, both psychological and physical. It’s just not worth it. Dealing with shame in a healthy way is the only way to go. Get connected to the safe people in your life and start working through why you’re attacking yourself today. I promise you’ll feel better!

Put the Phone Down: Three Ways to Decrease Screen Time for Your Wellbeing

August 10, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Fact: We are simply on our phones too much. A recent study found that people spend over 4 hours a day on mobile phones last year, or around 86 hours a month!

The bigger problem, of course, is the fact that too much screen time is not enough to cause most of us to change our behavior.

“I gained a couple pounds” or “I don’t work out enough” aren’t the motivators they SHOULD be to put the phone down.

Three Positive Benefits of Decreasing Mobile Screen Time

Here are a few of the positive benefits of using your mobile device less. Ideally, so the “less” becomes “more” for you!

Increased energy. We all need more energy and, truthfully, we’re all pretty fatigued. Energy doesn’t come from phone screen time. In fact, concentrating and focusing for extended periods of time on a little screen can make you tired, as it’s a lot of work. Two of the most reliable sources of energy are positive face-to-face experiences with other people and activities that require movement. If you put the phone in your pocket and connect with another person or do something with your body, you will notice an increase in your energy level. Movement causes the brain to release endorphins.

Usable time. While some phone usage is valuable, the vast majority of what we are actually doing on our phones is entertainment/social related: apps that let us see what everyone we know is doing, play games and stream video content. Think about all the usable time that’s being wasted! Thanks to our dependency on smartphones, we are seeing a new trend: people who have visions, passions, and goals to accomplish something meaningful are slowed down in their progress because the time is not there. The reality is that it’s actually there, but it’s in the form of less entertainment/social time on the phone. Look at your screen time like empty calories: they aren’t bad for you, but they aren’t helping you either. Prune back your phone screen time and use that to get moving on starting up your new business or pursuing your dream.

Self-acceptance. There is tons of research showing that, when we spend lots of time on our phones, we stray into comparisons with others: who is more successful, who has a better family, is better-looking, etc. This comparison can become never-ending and spirals downhill quickly.

Also, you almost NEVER come out happy with yourself. Stop comparing your life with the small pieces that others are choosing to share with you online. Instead, get more involved in your non-digital existence to reduce that debilitating feeling. You will be too busy living in the moment to compare yourself to anyone online!

Love your mobile device, but be in charge of it. Use it when necessary, but walk away from it when you can.