Dr. John Townsend

Dr. John Townsend and his team offer executive coaching, corporate consulting, and leadership training in a variety or programs. Join us today!

insecurities

Self Talk: Helping Your Internal Voice Be a Benefit to You

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We engage every day in other-talk, which is what happens at meetings, meals and over the phone. But we also have constant conversations in our head about our favorite subject, with is ourselves. Self-talk has to do with the evaluations and judgments we make of ourselves and our behavior, and sometimes the evaluations are pretty harsh. Sometimes the evaluations are so cruel that we are paralyzed from being transparent and real, or from taking the risks we need to take. Here are some tips to help your own self-talk be a benefit, and not a problem, for you.

Observe the observer. Our digital culture has made personal reflection harder to engage in. But pulling away from our schedule, or the next text or email, to think about what we are thinking, is one of the best things you can do for yourself, to solve problems and grow as a person. The technical word for this is metacognition, or thinking about thinking. Part of metacognition is developing the habit of mentally taking a step back from your activities, and observing your observer, that is, your self-talk.  

For example, after a difficult conversation with your spouse, notice the nature of your self talk. Just reflect on how you are evaluating what you said. You might observe that you are thinking, I wasn’t kind, or I didn’t listen, or I didn’t speak up. This quick habit of simply observing your observer gives you more power over it, and a means to change it.

Question the accuracy. Ask yourself, is my self talk true about me or not? If it’s true, it’s working for you, and will help you to be a healthier and more successful person. But sometimes you need to ask others if, from their perspective, your self talk is telling the truth. Suppose after you give a presentation at work, your self talk is that I always disappoint people and I should live in a cave and eat worms, that probably needs to be reframed by someone who knows and likes you, such as I didn’t do my best at the presentation, but I learned some things to help me improve.

At end of day, have more positive than negative. Even though truthfulness trumps everything, you should still have more positive than negative self-evaluations by the end of the day. We just can’t tolerate the reverse. It discourages us and deflates our energy. Don’t make up things to say that aren’t real, but while you are being truthful about the screwups, also focus on your wins, even if they are small:  I passed on dessert a third day in a row is at least something!

Develop a warm tone. Research has shown that our tone with others is more important than the words we say to them. The same is true with self talk.  A harsh, judgmental, “what a loser” tone will simply not make you a better person. So, though you are honest with yourself, don’t condemn yourself.  I’m a pretty good person and I have good values and motives, though I really blew it with my teenager, can help right-size your head.

Listen to what you’re doing in your internal conversation. You might be a bit dismayed about how mean you can be to yourself. Change the pattern.  You’ll be glad you did.

Best,

John

Feeling Insecure? Here Are 3 Healthy Ways to Deal

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Feeling insecure from time to time is completely normal, especially when you are actively trying to grow and challenge yourself to be your best. From a young age, we learn to compare ourselves to others. While this comparison in small doses is natural, it also sets us up to feel negative things sometimes, including insecurity.

Social media makes this human tendency of comparison a little too easy sometimes because it creates a space to feel insecure. Have you ever found yourself seeing a social media update from a friend or family member that made you lose confidence in yourself? That uncertainty, that anxiousness about yourself, that’s insecurity!

Insecurity can be a big problem if it isn’t addressed because it will slow you down and keep you from accomplishing your goals.

Deep down, we know we have enough resources, talent, and motivation to accomplish our goals. But, when we’re insecure, we’re not confident. That lack of confidence can hinder us from taking that next step toward the finish line! Don’t let your self-doubt hinder you!

The 3 Ps: Negative Approaches to Handling Insecurity

When insecurity comes into play, it can be hard to immediately know how to handle this negative feeling. I’m going to talk about a few of the negative ways people try to deal with insecurity, what I call the Three Ps.

  1. Being Passive. The first P is being passive. Insecure people tend to want to stay in their comfort zones. For example, sitting around on a Friday night, waiting for someone to invite you somewhere instead of proactively asking someone to try out a new restaurant. Sorry, wishful thinking doesn’t actually work my friends! Over time, being passive about your life (instead of actively trying to improve and grow) causes you to become a very insecure person, and you isolate yourself more and more as you wait for something to change.
  2. Pretending. The second approach to handling insecurity involves pretending you’re confident. Just saying “fake it ‘til you make it” during public speaking or engaging in polite conversation will only get you so far. It’s not a true fix. It will just get you in the ballpark, but you’ve got to be honest about your insecurity to get off the bench.
  3. People-Pleasing. The third approach has to do with people-pleasing. Insecure people tend to give enormous power to other people, instead of using their own power. You say “yes” to attending events or doing favors even when, deep down, you should focus on yourself and re-energize.

If you have some insecurities in your life, don’t be discouraged. You can change the tone of your inner voice to be positive and healthy! A good first step is to put an end to self-judgment. You can read more about that here.

The 3 Rs: Three Healthy Ways to Deal with Insecurity

So far, I’ve shared my three Ps for handling insecurity in a negative way. Now, I’m going to go through three healthy ways to deal with insecurity that really work, what I like to call the three R’s.

  1. Relationships. The first healthy way to deal with insecurity is through relationships. In your life, you must have a few healthy relationships with safe people that see you, see through you, and say, “You know, there’s a lot of good in you and I know you’ve had bad experiences before, maybe you’ve made mistakes, but I see a good person there. And I like you and I will help you.” The key is to focus on those relationships that don’t control you and grows you in the right direction.
  2. Risk. The second way to handle insecurity relates to how you view risk. If you’re an insecure person, you become risk-averse by not putting yourself out there to try and engage in new relationships or hobbies. Learn to live with risk, move past your anxiousness and try new things. To clarify, when I talk about “risky” behavior here, I am not referring to anything that could be harmful to yourself or someone else. This risk is more along the lines of taking a chance or trying something for the first time. It’s not easy, but it’ll be worth it.  
  3. Resetting. Finally, dealing with insecurity sometimes means resetting. You’ve got to hit the reset button on how you feel about yourself, especially when you engage in (positive) risky behavior designed to push your boundaries. You begin to reset how you feel about yourself because of putting yourself out there, and you are also changing the way you react to new, risky situations.  

Insecurity happens. No matter how confident you are, you will have insecure moments. The key to handling insecurity in a healthy way is in how you manage it. Remember the three R’s (relationships, risk, and resetting) if you get stuck. Get out of your comfort zone and get beyond insecurity!