life team

People Fuel, Part 3: The Seven “C’s” of Relationships

September 17, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

How is your “People Picker?” We all choose individuals to be around us, and most of them are pretty good finds. But it’s easy to also get a bit out of balance, and have a lot more “drain” conversations than “gain” conversations. This can lead to fatigue and burnout, and then everyone gets drained.

In my new book People Fuel, I present a model of the different types of relationships, the Seven “C’s”, that will help you be a bit more intentional and clear about knowing how to spend your time. Here is a summary of those “C’s”, ranked from highest to lowest resource for you:

Coaches: Those individuals with whom we engage, to mentor, develop, guide and direct us. A coach can be paid or pro bono. Coaches have 3 qualities: (1) they are subject matter experts of in some area of your interest: leadership, parenting, emotional health, spiritual growth, or physical training for example; (2) they know how to coach. There is a science of coaching, and they know the theory and steps of taking a person from point A to point B. The Townsend Institute, for example, trains students in getting a Masters or a credential in Coaching (townsendinstitute.com); and (3) they have no personal need for you
to be a mutual friend or buddy. That’s fine, but they make the time “all about you.”
Comrades: Your Life Team. Those 3-10 individuals who know it all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truths you need to hear. Comrades are also fully involved in their own growth, and are vulnerable with you, as they want help from you as well, in mutual improvement. Comrades can be in a group, or individuals, or some hybrid.
Casuals: Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people. Maybe your kids are on the same soccer teams, or you like the same music events. Casuals help us experience being in the moment and enjoying life with someone. They are also a “farm team” as potential Life Team members.
Colleagues: We spend a great deal of time working, and it’s important to work with the right people. You don’t always have a say in those with whom you work. But as much as possible, work with those who are (1) truly competent; (2) relationally oriented; and (3) work well on teams. This can make your work life an energy-producing experience.
Care: Those individuals who are without something they need, and which you have the capacity to supply to them. This can range from helping mentor a young business person to supporting young parents to digging wells in a developing country. Our Care relationships help us make the world a better place, and also they release oxytocin in us, the hormone that lifts our spirits, reinforcing us to repeat those behaviors again. We always need to be giving back in life, that’s a large part of what a healthy life is about. But we also need to be aware that we may be spending too much time and energy in too many Care relationships as well.
Chronics: Sometimes called the “bless their heart” individuals. Chronics are not bad people, they are often very good people. They do have long term patterns of having lots of problems that rarely go away: job, financial, emotional, family and relationship struggles, for example. That is not a problem in and of itself, as we all have our challenges. But Chronics also have what I call a flat learning curve, that is, they don’t learn much from their experiences, nor do they apply all the advice you give them, time after time. They want to spend time with you, but more because you are a caring and supportive person, less because they want to apply your advice. You can spend enormous time and meetings trying to help Chronics, and just not see change.
Contaminants: We are all imperfect, but Contaminants are at another level. They have bad motives. They tend to be envious, and desire to divide and damage others. They can attack your business, your church, your marriage, your family, or your own soul. When you have clear evidence that you are dealing with a Contaminant, you must warn them of their behavior, and then create safety and distance from them.

When I take leaders and families through these categories, the first thing they usually say is “Hey, I’m bottom heavy!” In other words, they become aware that they have too many Care, Chronic and Contaminant relationships, and not enough Coaches, Comrades and Casuals in their lives. This imbalance can lead to significant losses of energy and positivity.

The answer is to right-size matters. First build up the Coaches and Comrades, then begin pruning back the lower categories. I spell out exactly how to do this in the book, in a reasonable and respectful way.

You will be amazed at how things go better for you!

Best,

John

The Life Team: Your Source for Health and Growth

July 8, 2019 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Most of us have lots of friends. But most of us aren’t getting the most out of our relationships, at least for what it takes to be the best person we can be, to grow and to maximize our lives. That’s where the Life Team concept comes in. This article will give you the steps to develop this powerful tool for growth.

In my just-released book People Fuel, I describe what a Life Team is. Simply put, it’s between 3-10 individuals with whom you engage on some sort of regular basis, and where the purpose is to support each others’ mutual growth. You can meet in a group, you can meet individually, or both. But the desired outcome is self-improvement in life, personal health, emotional growth, relationships, career and spiritual growth. All of what really matters!

There are 8 qualities a Life Team member needs to have, to make this all work. Here they are:

1. Shared essential values. You don’t need to have every life value be identical to yours, that can be too samey. But a basic similar lens on how you look at life.

2. Calendarized engagement in personal growth. A Life Team has a structure. “See you when I see you, bye”, in our busy world, means probably a long random time from now. But real growth requires committing to a calendar schedule and actually talking. It can just be a sharing of life’s highs and lows, a study of the Bible or a good book, or supporting and problem solving about your challenges.

3. A stance of “for” each other, with no judgment. Judgment prevents growth, it’s just that simple. When we are judged, we either retreat or push back. Nothing good happens. “For” means the Life Team members always want the best for each other, no matter what.

4. Vulnerability. We change when we are open and vulnerable about how we really are: our losses, hurts, mistakes and shame. To be fully optimized, we must be fully loved. And to be fully loved, we must be fully known.

5. Truthfulness. Members don’t avoid the hard conversations. They don’t let each other make costly mistakes in life, relationships, family or business without giving each other caring but direct feedback.

6. Mutuality. Everyone’s in this together. You’re all growing, and all vulnerable. It’s not about one person constantly bringing their problems to others for help. That’s more of being a service to that person. Instead, it’s a shifting and mutual arrangement of needs and support, back and forth, for each other.

7. Chemistry. The intangible. You have to feel some sort of “liking” for Life Team members. If the chemistry isn’t there, you begin to dread the conversations as a “well, it’s good for me”, instead of a “I can’t wait to have lunch with her.”

8. Availability. The members need to be around enough to make a difference. To do enough good to make the effort worth it, I recommend a minimum of at least one meaningful conversation a month. Life just gets better with a Life Team. For more information, read People Fuel, and best to
you.

John

3 Skills to Help Improve Your Willpower

October 5, 2018 by sgadmin 4 Comments

When is the last time you said to yourself, I just need more willpower so that I’ll … (fill in the blank: workout more, eat better, get to bed earlier, have a hard conversation, the list is very long)? Each and every week, we find ourselves not accomplishing the habits and decisions that are important to us. It can be a discouraging and frustrating experience.

The truth that I have discovered over years of study and working with people is this: willpower can be strengthened only when we realize that willpower is more of a result than a cause.

What is Willpower?

In other words, when people tell you, “Look, it’s just a choice. All you have to do is choose to get up earlier, not eat sweets, etc.,” they are missing the point. The reality is that our chooser (that is, our willpower) is actually the problem. You can’t willpower your way to success and health.

It is much more effective to think of willpower as a mental mechanism that needs to be fed and developed into a strength. Most people with great willpower are doing the behaviors that require this.

Improve Your Willpower

I believe there are three skills that will strengthen our choosers. Here they are.

#1: Write down your “why.” We tend to do what is important to us, what we value. It helps us focus our energies on those things we deeply love and care about. For example, the “why” of working out more maybe “because I want to be healthy enough to be with my family and love them for many years,” or “because I want to feel good and have my body do what needs to be done,” or both. The “why” gets you way beyond “just choose it.”

#2: Let those in your Life Team encourage you. Your Life Team is comprised of those safe and honest people in your life whom you trust. Tell this team about your challenges to develop better habits, and ask for their support. Have them text you a couple of times a week with simple encouragements, like “I know it’s been a busy week, but I’m pulling for you to get up early and workout. Thinking about you.”

Neuroscience research is proving to us how much energy and motivation comes from a simple, caring, encouraging statement from others. I am on a flight writing this blog and just sent one to a friend who is going through a very complex negotiation process in the company he runs. It took me one minute, and he replied instantly that it helped him continue on.

#3: Learn from failure. Don’t let the “judge” in your head say, “you blew it again, what a loser.” Failure is merely a learning curve. The only way to indeed fail is to learn nothing from it! So, why did you avoid that hard conversation? Was it because you were too busy, or feared conflict, or had second thoughts? Figure that part out, and forge ahead.

Make Better Choices

Willpower is a great servant but a poor master. Strengthen it, and you’ll make better choices. You will be amazed at the amount of energy and motivation that goes along with increasing your willpower. Change your mindset to focus on the “why.” Learn to accept (and give) encouragement.

And by the way, when your favorite “willpower” friend says “Well, just choose the right thing,” just say “So we don’t need to understand our reasons, or get encouragement, or deal with our obstacles?” Maybe it will help them, too.

Follow These 3 Steps to Find Your Life Team

June 3, 2018 by Dr. John Townsend Leave a Comment

Your life team is critically important to your wellbeing. This support system will help you overcome the challenges you face in the personal and professional realms.

I’m going to discuss my three-step process to help find those great people to have in your corner when the going gets tough below. Hopefully, you will be inspired to find your life team!

1. Identify Your Life Team

First of all, what is a life team? Let’s talk about this a little bit.

In your life, you are going to interact with thousands of people. Family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. Having the right kind of people in our lives is a great gift.

Think of your life path like your car. It needs fuel to get down the road. It needs proper maintenance to run correctly and keep you safe. By the same token, you also need the right kind of people in your life. Your life is there to help you accomplish the things you need to do to be successful.

They might offer you support in the following areas:

Take care of your family
Make the money you need
Have the right kind of job
Get up in the morning and feel good
Go work out. Have friends
Go take vacations
Achieve things

Do You Need a Life Team?

Maybe you are wondering if you actually need a life team in order to get the most out of your experiences. Let’s examine this a bit.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your to-do list at work at home?
Are you completely satisfied with your career?
Is your overall physical and emotional health where you want it to be?

Chances are, you have areas in your personal and professional growth that could use support.

When you aren’t able to make things happen on your own (without support), it’s time to consider changing your fueling system in your car. It’s time to make an effort to build your life team.

We tend to hang around the people in our lives because they chose us. Throughout life, you just kind of choose people who reciprocate. They might pick you because you’re nice, warm, have answers, or you’re kind.

If you really want to get the energy you need, as well as the resources, wisdom, and the smarts you need in life, you’re going to have to pick some people to change your fuel a little bit.

This doesn’t necessarily mean reject or condemn anybody. We all have friends at different levels. It just means you must make sure you’ve got the right people in your corner.

2. Understand Why a Life Team is Important for Growth

So now that you understand what a life team is, let’s talk a little bit about why you need to assemble yours now.

So much of the energy we need to live life comes from other people. It just does! Much like vitamins for our physical body, we have the need for certain people in our circle for a great life. Your life team will give you those nutrients; their support will give you the energy needed to keep growing and moving forward! You then use that energy to fulfill your purpose in the world.

Surrounding yourself with people who you can count on, who will listen to you, who give you warmth, and won’t judge is critical to overcoming obstacles. It’s that simple!

3. Create a Life Team

We’ve covered what a life team is and why it’s important. Now, let’s get started on creating your life team.

Ideally, you need somewhere between 3-10 people on your life team. Ten is kind-of the maximum because it takes time to develop in-depth relationships with people. Keep in mind that the larger the group, the longer it will take.

Your time is valuable and so is theirs. Less than three people may not provide the life nutrients you need for growth.

The great thing about people is that everyone contributes something different to your life. Certain people have wisdom, while others offer empathy, challenge you to grow, or have strong insight.

Now, This is Not a Team in the Traditional Sense.

I know it sounds like everyone is getting #TeamYou jerseys. But, the truth is you probably won’t meet your life team all at one time. Think of them as people you pick up along the way.

Let me tell you about my own life team. I have 10 people on Team Townsend because I have a lot of needs. They all live in different parts of the country and don’t know each other well. The common thread connecting them is me!

What Does it Take to Be #TeamYou?

Consider these questions as you seek out people who can provide valuable nutrients for growth:

Can they be vulnerable with you and can you be vulnerable with them? If you can’t be vulnerable, you can really never get what you need out of the relationship. When people feel they have to have it all together all the time, they’ll sort of never get anywhere in life. Vulnerability is a real answer to growth.
Can you really be honest about the negatives in your life, including failure, things you’re embarrassed about, and things where you’re beating yourself up? Not only must players on your life team be vulnerable, they’ve got to have total safety. There’s no shaming, no judging, and no advice a lot of the time. Chances are they will be great listeners and great at asking you the right questions to help you find answers.
Can they challenge you and offer honesty? They must be able to say, “I think you’re going the wrong direction here,” or maybe just give you wisdom or data or information or life experiences. Bottom line – they’ve got to have truth in them.
Is there chemistry? If you don’t really like them personally, then you won’t want to have lunch or coffee with them. If you don’t enjoy spending time with them and learning from them, don’t add them to your life team!

Life Team: Assemble!

Ready to assemble your life team? Let’s get started! Here are my suggestions to get you started.

Make two lists. One is a list of the prospects by going through your email and phone contacts. Make a second list of the people that shouldn’t be prospects.

Although it may sound harsh, this is an important part of the process. After some reflection, you may learn you’re letting people in your boundary space that you shouldn’t. Or maybe you’re not giving enough time and energy to the relationships that benefit you. Trust me, you’ll find a lot of good things happen when you do those two lists.

This list will likely take you a couple of hours, but prune the list down to 20-40 people. Then, pick the first person that looks like an ideal life team member and, call them and ask to catch up. Spend some time with them.

When you talk, take one little step of vulnerability. Maybe you admit something is kind-of hard to them, like “I’m really struggling with my job,” or, “One of our kids is kind of going south,” or “I’m struggling with my dating life,” or whatever. Be open to the person.

If they give you a bunch of advice, change the subject, or talk about themselves, that’s not a good sign.

But, if they move toward you and say, “I had no idea. Tell me more about that. That’s really hard,” you know you’ve got a potential. The key here is that they are able to listen, and not make it about themselves.

I recommend that you have three or four lunches or coffee meet-ups with someone you consider a prospect for your life team before creating your final roster. Their support will be critical to your overall growth, so take your time and get it right!

Once you have picked your life team, your next step is asking them for their support. What you say after three or four meetings is, “I’m getting really intentional about my growth. And I know my growth involves getting a lot of people around me who really want to grow and change and support each other, and I’d like to meet on a regular basis.”

It will take time to build a team, somewhere between four and six months. A life team can’t be sporadic.

Try to get together regularly, whether it’s once a month or once a week to just talk about life and how you can help each other grow.

If you’re struggling with identifying who should be on your life team, let me help you. Subscribe to TownsendNOW today and start identifying the good people who can truly help you grow.