relational Archives - Dr. John Townsend

This is simply a “you just have to learn it” skill. The most successful and happiest people I work with are able to enter into conflict with those in their life, family and work. And I can’t begin to tell you how many otherwise talented and genuinely good people get hamstrung on their inability to have difficult conversations. Psychologists refer to the problem as conflict-avoidant behavior.

We are conflict-avoidant when we know we need to face a problem with someone and get it resolved, but our high anxiety makes us kick the can down the road, hoping against hope that things will get better. 99% of the time, they actually get worse, sort of metastasizing into something we really don’t want. So instead of going for the short term peace of avoidance, go for the long term solution that will really make things better for you. Here are some tips to help you:

Deal with your anxiety. Most of the time, we don’t run from conflict for a logical or rational reason, for example, when someone is threatening us with a gun. There is sound logic there! We more avoid conflict for emotional reasons, manifesting themselves as anxiety. Figure out exactly what drives your anxiety, because anxiety always has a focus. Some common sources of anxiety are:

Rejection: When someone important to us disconnects from the relationship.
Anger: When we don’t have the skills to handle an angry person, and we become frightened and overwhelmed.
Guilt: When we are prone to see ourselves as the bad guy, and take on all the responsibility for the problem, instead of our actual contribution.
Loss of control: When we are more afraid of our own strong feelings than we are the other person, and we actually are concerned we might say or do something we’ll regret.

We don’t have space here to go into these sources, but often, talking it out with a mature person or counselor can do a great deal to help. The point is, don’t let anxiety paralyze you.

Script the conversation. Research shows that we do better in conflict when we have thought out what we want to say, in a talking-point manner. Then we don’t get lost or confused. Write out a brief script and learn it, so you won’t need to have it in front of you, and you can have good eye contact with the person.

Make the sandwich. Conflict resolves more effectively when it begins and ends with authentic affirmation and care, and when the issue itself is the meat in the middle of the “sandwich.” Think how much it has helped you to have someone let you know, in a real way, that they are for you and not against you, in a difficult talk.

Know when to back off. Some people readily deal with conflict, when they are approached, and navigate it with truth, respect and love. They do well in these scenarios. And some react in anger, victim statements, intense emotions, blame and excuses. Just learn when the reactions are dominating things, and you don’t see any progress. That means it might be time to call it a day and try something different at another time. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Conflict isn’t fun, but neither is surgery. When done well, however, it can lead to a great deal of positive results in your life.

Best,

John

Research shows us that the quality of our relationships is a major indicator of how our quality of life works out. Those who don’t have enough sustained and safe relationships tend to have more health, relationship, emotional and career challenges. Relationships aren’t a luxury, they are a necessity, right up there with food and shelter.

In my new book People Fuel, I outline 4 Quadrants of what I call Relational Nutrients, that we are to regularly give and receive with each other. Just like our body needs bionutrients, neuroscience shows that these Relational Nutrients help our brains stay energetic, positive and focused. Only they don’t come in capsules. They are delivered via a face-to-face conversation, phone call, video, email or text. Here are the 4 areas:

Quadrant 1: Be Present
To be present means to “be there” and be personally and emotionally engaged with another person. Presence requires a few words, if any at all. When we are stressed or encountering challenges, sometimes advice is the last thing we need. But someone who can “enter our well” of challenge, can bring great benefit. This is because our most fundamental need is to know we are not alone, but that someone “gets it” about our situation. We need
Nutrients such as Acceptance, which is connection without judgement, and Attunement, which is “tuning in” to our emotional state and understanding it.

Quadrant 2: Convey the Good
Sometimes we feel a bit discouraged or “down” from some difficult situation at home or at work. But when someone conveys that they see good character, effort and achievement in us, it helps release oxytocin, which elevates our mood. All we need in these situations is for someone to give us Affirmation that we’re doing our best, or Encouragement that they believe in us.

Quadrant 3: Provide Reality
Life can throw complex situations at us, and we don’t have a quick solution. Work can be challenging and confusing, as well as relationships. We often need the right information, data or wisdom from someone who is “for” us. The Nutrients of Perspective and Insight often provide us with a better approach to a problem, so we can solve it.

Quadrant 4: Call to Action
At the end of the day, we need to do something, not just think something. Our behavior needs to become activated, to take an action step. This is when great Advice, or a Structured plan make all the difference in seeing the changes we need to make, that will make life work better.

Those are the Quadrants, and we need to receive and give Nutrients from each Quadrant pretty much every week.

Here’s the challenge: You must own your need, and you must also ask for your need, from the right person. It doesn’t work to wait for people to read your mind and try to give you a Nutrient that you might not need. But if you ask the right people, they will most likely be happy to help you. And you can give back to them.

We need to need. It’s how the world works! To get the whole list of all 22 Nutrients, get the book or just go to RelationalNutrients.com.

Best,

John

How to Resolve Conflict Avoidance

People Fuel, Part 2: What We Need from Each Other