Dr. John Townsend

Tag: Townsend

  • Natural Disasters: How to Find Hope in their Wake

    Natural Disasters: How to Find Hope in their Wake

    We often feel powerless when a natural disaster strikes. Watching the news, seeing those affected, we quickly realize natural disasters do not discriminate.

    The recent wildfires in the southwest and 2017’s destructive hurricane season caused untold damage to lives and property. All of us have either read about or experienced disasters, such as earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and tsunamis.

    Unfortunately, we will see them again in the future as well.  

    Here are some tips to be able to deal with these sorts of negative realities that exist at a high-magnitude level:

      1. Do what life requires.  It is easy to become somewhat obsessed and focused on the past or the next disaster.  While we all need to prepare adequately for these occurrences, our minds are not equipped to stay “on call” thinking about these.  Psychologists call this hypervigilance, a state of constant alertness.  One aspect of hypervigilance is that the demands on your adrenal glands, constantly being engaged, causes them to become fatigued, which can be debilitating to your health and happiness.   Instead of being “on call” for the next disaster, do what is required in your life: take care of your relationships with your family and friends; work in something meaningful and useful; keep your self care a priority; engage in your interests and passions; and help other in some form of service.  This is not denial. It is simply letting your mind and behavior do what they do best.
      2. Stay connected.  Isolation and avoiding vulnerable relationships tend to have a magnifying effect on our stress reactions to disaster.  Aloneness makes us worse, not better. Having a few supportive, understanding and warm people in your life, where you can mutually share your fears, your lessons learned and your hopes will do a great deal to help you function and feel normal.
      3. Learn resilience.  Resilience is a psychological term describing the ability to bounce back over time after a stress or loss.  People who are resilient, for example, work through financial difficulties, health issues and family troubles, often to their previous level of functioning.  Resilience is not instant, but it is an important skill. Learn resilience over the smaller matters in life, using patience, perseverance and a positive attitude.  This will prepare you for the larger issues you will encounter.
      4. Remove any demand for a just universe.  The idea of “this is not fair” and “it’s not just” is a normal reaction to catastrophic events.  It is just how our minds respond. But if “this isn’t fair” becomes an internal mantra, it will tend to sap your strength, your clarity of mind and your sense of well being.  Just begin to accept that the world doesn’t run on “fair”, though it would be nice if it did. Instead, substitute “it is what it is, and I will deal with what it is.” That will be much more helpful and empowering for you.

     

  • 4 Components of Good Character

    4 Components of Good Character

    “It builds character.”

    You’ve surely heard the phrase at least once in your life. Generally, that statement is said to a person after something negative has happened in their lives that they must now overcome. So, by now, you’ve probably heard it at least once.

    Look, life is tough. It just is. I understand the struggles surrounding getting older, becoming parents and grandparents, upsizing, downsizing, illness, career transitions, grief – this list goes on and on. How you handle the ups and downs of life makes all the difference and can indeed build character.

    What Exactly Is “Character?”

    Admittedly, the definition of “character” is somewhat abstract.

    I define it as having a set of abilities required to meet the demands of reality. Most of the time, we are not really in control of what’s happening around us. That’s okay. It’s part of God’s plan for us.

    As you know, life has many requirements to function. As you get older, it goes from making the bed and tying your shoelaces to finding your life’s passion, marrying the right person, having a family, and eventually retiring to enjoy your golden years. All of that “stuff” requires character because none of it is easy at the outset.

    To make life work, you must focus on character growth first, and not just the results you want in the end.

    Why Is Character Growth Important?

    There are two main reasons character growth is so critical to all aspects of your life.

    First, everything starts with who you are on the inside. Who you are shapes how you behave. How you behave then becomes how you relate and how you relate becomes how you succeed.

    So, it starts with the inside and works outward. We all want great relationships. Character growth allows how we are on the inside to create the warmth that radiates around us.

    Secondly, character is important because life has lots of demands. They can be simple or they can be as complicated. Either way, life is demanding and your character shapes how you approach and handle these situations.

    The Four Components of Good Character

    Now, I’m going to break down the four components of good character. These will make all the difference for having a successful life.

      1. Attachment: Attachment is the ability to trust and be vulnerable, to be able to open up to people and create a support network. These could be people who end up on your life team. You also understand that not everyone is safe or meant to be a part of that. Attachment means finding the right people to provide the nutrients you need for growth. Read about how to create your life team here.
      2. Separation: Separation means the ability to have your own voice, make your own choices, and to be a free person. Because some people are very attached, they have relationships, but they feel guilty about speaking up and about disagreeing and confronting. This means they don’t have good boundaries. Separation and attachment need to balance each other out as you work on your character.
      3. Integration: Integration means there are two kinds of realities in our life: There’s the positive realities of my strengths, good people, good experiences, and great mission in life. But, there are also negative realities, like my own brokenness, my own failure, my own losses, my own pains, how other people let me down, and how I’ve let other people down. Integration means I can live with the positives very well and I can embrace the negatives at the same time.
      4. Maturity: Maturity means I am confident in who I am and I know why I’m here. Maybe you’ve raised a great family and have a wonderful career. Maybe you’ve learned to walk away from negative relationships. Maturity also means being able to take everyone’s needs into consideration when making important decisions, including your own.

    So, what now? In your own life, start identifying those four character growth components and see where you have room for growth.

    Life will not work until we have the character to make it work.

     

  • 4 Steps To Dealing With Failure In A Healthy Way

    4 Steps To Dealing With Failure In A Healthy Way

    God designed you for many wonderful purposes! He made you so your self-image would be your friend and ally. A positive self-image will help you make great choices, find your passions, and succeed in all walks of life. It was also designed to help you fail well.

    Let’s face it – failure is going to happen to you at some point in your life.

    Read my recent blog on dealing with failure as a starting point.

    Healthy self-image can help you learn to fail in redemptive ways.

    People with a healthy and accurate self-image don’t have a big problem with failure. Why is that? It’s because they have harnessed the ability to fail well.

    How Does a Healthy Self-Image Help Us Fail Well?

    The idea of failing well might be a new concept to some of you. That’s okay.

    Let me explain how it should work when we fail. You should experience five stages:

    • Disappointment: That was a bummer; I’m sad about this.
    • Leaning on God: I need his help and wisdom in this.
    • Support: I think I need to call my friend Pat about this and get some face time.
    • Learning: What was my contribution to this problem? What do I need to change?
    • Adaptation: It’s time to swing the bat again and try things a different way.

    Training our brains to learn lessons and grow from failure is the key to failing in a healthy way. Following the five steps outlined above will help you to learn as time goes on.

    Entitlement Can Hurt Failing Well

    Entitlement cripples your ability to fail well and hampers your capacity to learn and grow from failure. Research has shown that entitlement creates a paradox of self-images within us, one external and the other internal. This means the two self-images we have are in conflict.

    The person with entitlement looks confident about themselves on the outside, to the point of arrogance or cockiness. They don’t need to prepare a talk, practice a golf swing, or take a course on building a resume. The  external self-image says, “I am above all that because I am special.”

    Given what we’ve seen and experienced personally with entitled people, we might expect this. What we might not expect is the existence of a different self-image deeper within the entitled person–one that is insecure and afraid, and above all, risk-averse.

    The entitled person is deathly afraid of taking a risk and failing.

    An Example of a Double Self-Image

    I have a friend whose parents encouraged him to pursue what he was gifted at (and could do easily) but avoided pushing him in areas he would have to work hard in to be successful. He was a talented musician but didn’t like math. So they let him slide in math and kept him focused on music.

    The result? As an adult, he loves his music, but has great difficulty in his financial life and has been in serious trouble with his money.

    Because of his double self-image, he doesn’t try to face his financial challenges. Instead, he freezes up and avoids his money issues because he is overwhelmed when dealing with matters that are hard for him. Unfortunately, dealing with difficult matters is a skill his parents never forced him to learn while young. You don’t want your child, spouse, or employee to have this experience! 

    The Simple Solution

    How can you begin to fail well? Start by helping people to feel competent because they are competent (not to just make them feel good about themselves). The young baseball player doesn’t need groundless praise; he needs parents and coaches who will support his attempts to develop a better swing with hundreds of pitched balls until he starts connecting. The young grad student needs a job where she is around people as intelligent as she is, who challenge her and who help her wrestle with difficult matters.

    People don’t first feel competent and then become competent. It’s the other way around. They become competent and then they feel competent. It is the history, the experience, the at-bats, that create a sense of “I can do this.” And before we reach that point, all we have is, “I have people who love and support me while I am not-yet-competent.” And that is enough.

    How to Learn from Failure (in a Healthy Way)

    I’m going to give you a few steps to take as you grow after a failure. These are internal steps you can take at your own pace.

    The sequence, then, is this:

    1. Positive self-talk. Before you achieve competence, you are loved, you are okay, you are supported by God and others. It is grace, the essence of love that is not performance-based: “Though I am not competent at this, I am loved” is the positive self-image at this stage.
    2. Step out of your comfort zone. You try new things, and while no one does them well at first, the “loved” self-image carries the day.
    3. Try, try again. You practice, learn, get advice, fail, and adapt.
    4. It gets better. Gradually, you begin doing things better. Now the self-image says, “I am loved, and I am competent.”

    This is what works. Love precedes confidence, but confidence can’t exist outside of failure and adaptation. When your self-image aligns with what is real and true about you — in other words, how God sees and experiences you — it works for you and not against you. This is the foundation of how we learn and grow from failure.

    Admittedly, everyone struggles with failure. That’s okay. It’s normal. If you are wanting to learn more about how to grow from a failure, become a TownsendNOW member. Our Certified Coaches can guide you through the challenges and get you on the path to growth.

     

    This article was curated from “The Entitlement Cure” by Dr. John Townsend.